


Please let me escape

by music_is_my_life



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: 80's AU, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Cuddling, Donghun and Junhee are best friends, Drunken Kissing, Emotional Roller Coaster, Falling In Love, Fluff, Homophobia, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Slice of Life, Some Humor, Strangers to Lovers, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Verbal Abuse, kissing while high, please this is just sad, use of weed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23982145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/music_is_my_life/pseuds/music_is_my_life
Summary: “How do you even get this stuff?”Yuchan side-eyed Junhee after he had put the bottle down, licking his lips.“From an older friend.”“He shouldn’t support this.”Yuchan plucked the blunt from the other’s lips to bring it between his own.“And you shouldn’t either, but here we are.”OrIn a time in which Diana Ross sung about being still in love, two scarred boys meet by accident. None of them would have thought that their means to escape reality would lead them to slowly find a new addiction in each other.
Relationships: Kang Yuchan | Chan/Park Junhee | Jun, Kim Byeongkwan/Kim Sehyoon | Wow, Lee Donghun & Park Junhee | Jun
Comments: 8
Kudos: 81





	1. Change

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dear human~
> 
> This is by far my biggest project... and I'd never thought I managed to finish it x3 means, all the chapters are written, but I decided to upload them weekly :) 
> 
> One thing before you start reading because I feel I should point that out... by no means I want to romanticize smoking or drinking…
> 
> And last but not least, a huge shoutout to my [beta reader](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honeychild)  
> Without her, you'd have to deal with my horrible sense of past perfect x3
> 
> That being said, I hope you enjoy my work :) comments are very much appreciated <3

_Seoul, 1982_

“And that was Stat-“

With a hiss, Junhee pressed the stop recording key of the cassette recorder. How come radio announcers never get the memo to start talking _after_ the song had fully finished?

He sat back with a groan, rolling his aching shoulders. All his pain had been in vain.

That marked yet another failed attempt to record the newest Status Quo song without a flaw. He had to wait an entire week and it wasn’t even clear if they would play the song then.

He hadn’t much time to ponder on it since the guy in the radio already announced the next few songs that would be playing. Hopefully, this time without an early disruption.

Junhee once again shifted closer to the radio, a finger precautious hovering over the recording key. And when the last words were said, momentarily putting the world around him in silence, he pressed down.

For a while, he enjoyed the different tunes filling up the living room, bobbing his head along.

A smile formed on his lips when he recognised the first tunes of his current favourite song. He first had heard it in a clothing store, playing on a crackling radio. Since then it had been stuck in his head. Finally, he could record it.

A knock against the door and then:

“Junhee?”

His face fell at the interruption. With an aching heart, he pressed the stop recording key and turned the volume of the radio down. After he shifted around, his gaze fell on his father, standing in the doorway of the living room.

Junhee could never be angry at him – he loved his father way too much and although he was barely home due to his work, they had a good relationship. Right now though, he had to admit that his nerves laid a bit bare. But he also knew better than to push his bad mood onto him, so he forced down the clipped response burning on his tongue.

“Yes?”

“Dinner is ready,” his father explained, then added with a chuckle, “are you available?”

It was no secret that Junhee camped almost every Sunday afternoon in front of the radio to record songs. Their local radio station only playing the ‘cool stuff’ at one specific hour per week, interrupting the dreading classics his mother loved to listen to. His two older sisters teased him a lot about his music taste, but he chose to ignore them.

Junhee took a glance at his wristwatch. The program would be over in a few minutes and since he already missed his favourite song, there wasn’t much to record anyways.

“Give me five minutes to clean up,” he said with a slightly forced, but at heart still genuine smile.

A curt nod accompanied with a tender laugh and his father was out of the room again, the door quietly clicking shut behind him.

Junhee’s eyes fell on the dark blue recorder, illuminated by the late afternoon sun coming in through the window.

A high-pitched whine escaped him as he buried his face in his palms.

“Appa _…_ _why_ …”

He ranked his fingers through his hair, messing up the bedhead he was sporting even more.

Accepting defeat, he let his head fall towards his chest.

Another whine.

With a sad frown resting on his face the entire time, he stood up to put his things away. Just like he said he would. There was one part of the shelf in his room reserved for his recording equipment, the other parts overloaded with schoolbooks and a dusty, dried up cactus underneath a pile of notes.

After that, he headed to the kitchen, following the smell of hot spices and freshly cooked rice.

Later into the evening – the sun was almost down, coating the skyline of Seoul into pretty shades of orange and yellow – Junhee sat at the riverbank of the Han river. Hidden in the shadows of the bridge overhead. The sound of cars racing over the concrete construct was distant, covered up by the guitar riff trickling into his ears.

One hand supported his weight, while the other pulled a freshly lighted blunt from his lips. He exhaled the smoke, watching calmly as it dispersed in the cooling autumn air.

He shouldn’t be doing this. Weed was illegal in Korea. And he wasn’t even an adult with the nineteen years resting on his shoulders.

But considering how harsh the school system and how high the expectations of his mother were, he had all the reason to. However, that was just some twisted truth he told himself way too many times until he had started to believe it.

After a few drags, the effect of the weed slowly began to kick in.

His head felt light, worries disappearing like the smoke did from his lips. He laid back into the gras to search the night sky for stars. There were none, the heavy light pollution of the city made them disappear.

He mused about how they would look like, about the various constellations he only ever had read about in books.

He grew up in the big city, never having gotten the chance to observe the sky on the countryside. One day, he would go there. He had no idea when he would have enough money for the trip. But the one thing that he was sure of was that he would take Donghun with him.

The older would tease him for sure, about his simple need to see the stars. As if he wasn’t the same, a dreamer just like him. But if he ever said that into Donghun’s face, he would choke him.

The thought made him snicker. The other sure had a funny way of expressing himself.

He had no idea how long he laid there, smoking. But at some point, he began to shiver.

The light of the day was gone and his worn off leather jacket only provided him with a small amount of warmth. Summer slowly came to an end; days were getting shorter and nights colder.

He should go home soon, or he would risk getting sick.

But he didn’t want to.

He took a final drag, then pushed the glinting bud into the soft earth beside him, watching his exhale evaporate into the air.

After a while of watching the world buzz around him, he reluctantly stood up. Half-heartedly, he brushed dust away from his clothes. One longing gaze to his beloved spot before he forced his feet into motion.

He took the long way, mostly because he tried to delay the inevitable, but also that the smell of weed clinging to his clothes would’ve thinned out enough by the time he arrived there.

Strolling along the river, he lets his mind drift, eyes trailing over the dark water.

He thought about everything and nothing at all. School, his future, ideas he wanted to try out but never found the time to, song lyrics that were stuck in his head…

After a while he gently began singing them out loud, smiling at the foreign words in which the songs were written. His English was limited, only learning the bare minimum in university, but to him, music had a language on its own. He didn’t need to understand every word to catch the emotions worked into it.

The sound of small wheels on concrete and people talking made him go quiet.

Looking away from the river, he noticed that he was passing by a small skatepark where a group of boys was hanging out, showing each other tricks and chatting.

He stopped to watch them for a while, curious about their skills. When he was younger, he dreamed of skating himself, he even tried it a few times. But after a short period of time, he had to admit that he was more off the board than on it, unskilled landing on his ass or crashing into a random object.

He had wished to be free like them, to fly for a few milliseconds.

It also seemed like so much fun if you did it in a group. He never had a group of friends like that. There was only one person in his life he considered a friend. Donghun was his only friend, best friend even, one year older than him but that was never an issue in their friendship.

Just as he was about to turn away, to go home like he should, he noticed a boy sitting on his board, far away from the others in the shadows of a tree. Junhee frowned.

Why didn’t he join them?

Perhaps he was just taking a break, he thought to himself, watching as the boy took a sip from the plastic bottle in his hand.

Junhee decided to stay for a bit more, curious if the boy would join the others eventually. But even after ten minutes – not that Junhee had checked his wristwatch once in a while – he didn’t, still just watching them from afar, occasionally sipping on his bottle.

Weird. They clearly didn’t belong together, or the others would’ve called him over by now. Maybe he was just studying their tricks to try them out later.

As much as Junhee would love to stay a bit more, he had to wake up early tomorrow, classes scheduled for the whole day. And he had to sleep, at least for a bit.

With one last, sorrowful glance at the figure hidden in the shadows, Junhee began walking again. He kicked a few pebbles with his feet, not keen on leaving.

He let out a sigh.

Instead of creepily staring at the boy from afar, he could’ve gone up to him and maybe even made a new friend. He pondered about the missed chance on his way back home, tugging the headphones that had been resting around his neck the entire evening over his ears.

He almost tripped over his own feet as he climbed up the few steps to the entrance door, chuckling at his uncoordinated body. With a grin, he swung open the door of the apartment block he was living in.

But his joyous moment was short lived.

“Where were you?” Was the first thing he heard when he stepped into the apartment, his oldest sister standing in front of him with crossed arms, clearly not happy with the late hour he decided to arrive home.

“At the river,” he responded curtly, not set on explaining himself. He crouched down to take off his shoes.

“Alone? Or with that guy, how was he called again… Dong-“

He looked up with a glare.

“I was _alone_.”

His sister never liked Donghun, firmly convinced that he was nothing but a bad influence on him. But Donghun was anything but that, understanding him like no one else could. She never got that, and never would, only seeing the bad side of their friendship, unwilling to give Junhee a chance to state his reasoning.

His sister clicked her tongue. “No need to get angry with me, I just asked you a question.”

He groaned but didn’t say anything more, set on disappearing into his room for the day, maybe listen to some music before falling asleep. Definitively not discussing his one and only friendship with his provoking sister.

Wordlessly, he shrugged past her, upper arm tingling in slight anxiety, where she would grab him sometimes, pulling him back to talk some ‘sense’ into him. To his relief, she let him go this once, but not without a, “run away then, coward” hauled at his back.

And that he did, slamming the door of his room shut a tad too forceful for the late hours.

Not like he cared.

He hated when his sister tried to interfere with his life. It wasn’t just her, his mother and other sister always set to force their minds on him, his opinion never taken into consideration. Being it about his clothing – which he had little influence, wearing old shirts and jackets from his father – or his, to be fair, not very great grades. Everything he did was in some sort wrong to them, he had no chance.

After tugging off his clothes and throwing them in the general direction of the chair standing at the desk, he turned off the light. They were living here for so long; he knew his room well enough that he could navigate around it without running into anything in the dark.

He crawled underneath his blanket.

If he would ever find someone to date, they would rip that person apart. He was sure of it.

He let out a short, frustrated scream into the pillow he had in a tight hug against his chest.

He was sick of it, of the constant pestering. But being sick of something didn’t immediately make it disappear. It wasn’t easy like that. It was annoying, but he was just too worn out to try and flip his world upside down, to run away and start anew.

A sigh.

He would give anything to get ripped out of whatever his life was right now. Not even Donghun was able to pull him out of his head anymore like he used to do.

Something had to change… something, whatever it was.

He needed a change.

He needed it so badly.


	2. Cassette

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two here we go ^^

With one last glance into his stuffed room, where band posters slowly peeled from the wall due to the glue of the sticky tapes drying out, Yuchan tried to figure out if he had forgotten anything.

Probably.

With a shrug, he closed the door behind him. If it were of any importance, he would find out sooner or later.

He slung his backpack over one shoulder and reached down to pick up his skateboard that was leaning against the wall in front of his room. It was the only thing allowed in the hallway since he and his brothers agreed that the dirt of the streets didn’t belong in his sleeping space.

He walked down the corridor with a small skip in his steps, happy that he could finally go out and skate again. The last few days, heavy autumn downpours had cancelled his plans.

Already from afar, he could make out the lovestruck voice of his oldest brother, talking excitedly on the phone with his new girlfriend.

Yuchan rolled his eyes and chuckled. He was happy for him. Especially after that last relationship he had. It went down the drain in a horrible way. With accusations of cheating and what not. It was sad to look at.

From the doorway to their small kitchen, he watched his brother cracking up at another funny story his girlfriend told him, and a smile formed on his lips.

Sometimes, Yuchan wished he could talk to someone like that too. Heart eyes constantly on his face and swirling the curly cable of the phone between his fingers while talking his lover’s ears off. Must be lovely.

Right as he opened his mouth for the first attempt at calling out for his attention, his brother’s eyes landed on him. Yuchan gestured vaguely to the door, while holding up his skateboard. His brother gave him a thumbs up in understanding.

Not wanting to interrupt them any longer, Yuchan excused himself with a quick bow. Jogging excitedly towards the door to put on his shoes.

“Don’t stay out too late, ok?” his brother called out after him.

Yuchan shook his head, smiling. He had always been the worrying type, but since Yuchan had moved to Seoul to live with him and his other older brother, that had intensified a lot. With no parents around, he took it as his duty to dote on Yuchan.

“I won’t. Don’t worry hyung.”

He tied the, from the weather discoloured, laces of his second sneaker, then stood up. He picked up his backpack he previously had placed on the floor and shrugged it on, reaching down again to grab the skateboard.

He had one hand already at the doorknob when he turned around again.

“I’ll be back when it’s dark,” he shouted. And without waiting for a response, he was out of the door.

The wind tousled his hair as he made his way down the slanted, grassy riverbank of the Han river.

Once the pavement of the road was about half a meter away, he jumped, ungracefully landing on his feet. He stumbled a few steps before he could catch himself.

Only when he placed his skateboard on the ground, he noticed the state his shoes were in, clumps of wet dirt sticking to his soles. With a few stomps he tried to get it off before he would step on his beloved board.

He really should’ve taken the stairs that were about a hundred meters ahead. But as it was, you were always smarter in retrospect.

After a few attempts he gave up, not very keen of touching the dirt. It wasn’t disgusting to him per se, he just had nothing to clean his hands off afterwards.

And when he finally kicked off and rolled down the road, the worry of dirtying his board was already long forgotten.

He enjoyed this. Feeling the wind in his hair; playing with his loose jeans jacket.

It was his personal piece of freedom in this hasty world. And no one could take that from him. His next kick was a bit stronger, as if trying to prove that point.

Relaxed he breathed in the fresh air, underlined with the faint scent of the river and the city.

When he spotted a convenient store in the distance, he quickly made up his mind to stop by. He craved for something sweet.

But as he stood in front of the register to pay, he came to the realisation that he indeed left something at home.

His wallet. Probably buried underneath all the unfinished schoolwork that piled up on his desk. A pout slipped on his lips.

The old lady behind the counter must’ve taken pity on him, because she handed him the vanilla ice cream with a gentle smile, urging him to take it when he only stared unmoving at it and then up at her.

“It’s on the house, dear.”

The deep bow and the shouted “thank you halmeoni” – that was much too loud for the small store – were maybe a bit over the top, but the smile on the old lady’s face never dropped. In fact, she only looked even more amused.

He took the ice cream from her outstretched hand and thanked her again, this time in a more normal volume.

She waved him off with a smile, wishing him a good evening. After returning the gesture, he stepped out of the store, set to find a good spot to eat his sweat treat.

For a while, he just curved around, searching the low brick wall that lined along the river for an empty spot. But he wasn’t the only one who enjoyed the last warm minutes of the day. Couples, groups of friends and families crowded along the riverbank.

After a few minutes, he found a secluded area, illuminated by a few rays of sunlight. He didn’t ponder on it for long before he sat down onto his skateboard, but not without brushing the dirt away beforehand.

He unwrapped his ice cream. As he bit in the chocolate shell, a piece of the chocolate broke loose. It fell down, right into his lap. He quickly removed it and put it in his mouth, but the damage was done, and he was glad that he decided on a black t-shirt earlier. The stain was still there, but at least it was barely visible on the dark fabric.

He bit the ice cream down quickly since it started to melt all over his fingers.

Once he was done, he stuffed the wooden stick along with the wrapping into the side pocket of his backpack.

He basked in the warmth of the autumn air, stretching his arms above his head. It was still warm enough in only a t-shirt and a jeans jacket, but it was unclear for how long. The days became shorter and the rain more frequent, the last few days being proof for that.

He squinted against the reflecting colours sparkling on the river, trying to make out the ship that was slowly drifting by.

The view reminded him of the time he came from Jeju to Seoul and his heart clenched. His brothers had paid for that trip. They had never told him the price, but he knew how expensive it could get.

Maybe he should get a job. So, he won’t have to live out of his brother’s pockets. He could ask that old lady if she needed any help.

His brothers reassured him more than once that he shouldn’t worry about money and only focus on his studies. “Our baby brother shouldn’t pay for his hyung’s rent,” one of them had once teased him, ruffling his hair. At that, Yuchan had slapped his arm playfully.

But perhaps he was right.

He opened his backpack to pull out a full plastic bottle. After unscrewing the lid, he took a few sips, frowning.

It wasn’t necessary for his fifteen-year-old self to earn money, not for survival purposes at least. But if he did, he could at least pay Sehyoon back for all the times he snuck him some alcohol.

He took another gulp from the bottle, tasting the soju on his tongue.

He shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t, but he still continued, enjoying the warm buzz seeping through his system way too much.

Deep in his thoughts and occasionally sipping on the bottle, he spent at least an hour sitting there. He wasn’t planning on getting drunk, only set on loosing up a little. But after a while, the urge to skate overcame him.

He didn’t get far though, stopping dead in his track when he heard a quiet curse somewhere behind him. Turning around, he spotted a boy, probably not much older than himself, sitting hidden in the shadows of the car bridge. He was searching the pockets of his leather jacket, seeming stressed.

Yuchan’s eyes fell on the opened Walkman beside him and the tape of the cassette hanging out of it, twisted. It was painful to look at.

Swiftly, he pulled the backpack off his shoulders and after a few seconds of blindly grabbing around, his fingers curled around what he was searching for.

A wave of weed drifted into his nose when he rolled closer.

He stopped at a comfortable distance, right as when the boy ranked his fingers through his hair, letting out a whine. It was muffled by the lit blunt stuck between his lips.

When Yuchan’s shadow fell over him, the boy slowly looked up. Widened, almond shaped eyes were blinking at him in confusion. His hand stayed where it was, tightly clutching the messed-up mop of hair. He eyed Yuchan from head to toe, then he tilted his head and frowned.

Yuchan took that as his cue to hold out the yellow pencil that was in his hand. But the boy didn’t seem to get the memo, only staring at Yuchan.

“You need this?" Yuchan said after a while when the other still hadn’t taken notice of the pencil, waving it in front of the other’s face.

_How stoned are you?_

The boy let go of his hair, most of it flopped back, but there was one strand sticking out stubbornly like an antenna. He blinked.

Yuchan didn’t falter, holding out the pencil patiently.

After a few beats of plain staring, the boy flinched, finally showing some type of reaction. He ripped the blunt away from his lips to hide it behind his back.

Yuchan didn’t have the heart to point out to him that it was already too late, that he had already seen… and smelled.

“Uhm,” the boy cleared his throat and nodded faintly, “yeah.”

A shaky hand got outstretched and sparkling eyes carefully followed the movement of Yuchan putting the pencil in his palm. The boy’s gaze could only get described as fascinated.

After he mumbled a quiet “thanks” he took the cassette in his hands and put the blunt back between his lips, Yuchan’s presence already forgotten.

Yuchan shook his head, slightly endeared at the blissed-out state the other was in.

As he waited for the other to fix his cassette, he took a closer look at him.

He surely was good looking. The delicate slope of his nose in addition to dark, mesmerizing eyes and teeth tugging at his bottom lip in concentration, made Yuchan’s heart throb. Also, that black leather jacket – although much too large for his lithe figure – suited him a lot.

_Spare my poor gay soul._

He cursed the universe for putting such a pretty human being right in front of his feet. The boy surely wasn’t gay, and even if he were, he most likely had a different type he preferred. Yuchan stood no chance.

An unexpected gush of cold air hits Yuchan. He pulled his jacket closer around himself.

He hadn’t noticed the drop of temperature, too caught up with staring at the other. When he looked around, he noted that the sun had already disappeared behind the skyline, the only source of light coming from a streetlamp a few meters away.

The realisation that he wanted to be home by now finally caught up to him. He quickly threw his backpack over his shoulder and jumped on his skateboard.

In his haze, he completely forgot about his pencil.


	3. Freedom?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo here's the 3rd chapter… hope you enjoy ^^

“Enjoy your evening.”

Donghun was leaning gracefully against the brick wall, arms crossed, and half hidden in the shadows. A smirk rested on his lips as he watched Junhee stuff the small plastic packets into the back pocket of his jeans.

Junhee rolled his eyes, knowing exactly what his best friend was implying. It wasn’t the first time he said that to him after all. Once every week.

Sometimes, Donghun and he would hang out after their regular meet ups. But as of recently, Junhee always denied, telling the older that he had too much schoolwork to do.

It was a lie. Both knew that. Junhee had never been one to care about that kind of stuff.

For Junhee, this was just easier than to voice out the truth, to admit that he had a slight obsession with that cute boy from a few weeks ago.

Since then, the boy had been stuck in his head. The tousled, jet black hair hanging over his sweetly crinkling eyes being a permanent image behind his closed eyelids every time he tried to fall asleep.

Although the evenings got colder, he regularly went back to his favourite spot by the bridge, in the stupid hope to see him again.

_It’s_ _wrong,_ a small voice in his head whispered to him. And not for the first time, he tried to ignore it.

It was a worrisome how a short meeting like that could turn his heart into such a mushy mess. He knew what it could mean, he wasn’t stupid.

“Yeah you too,” he mumbled, thoughts already far, far away.

Donghun raised an eyebrow, the metal piercing there shortly reflecting the dim light of the streetlamp.

To Junhee’s relief, Donghun waved him off, not prodding until he got the reason for the absentminded answer like he normally would, only shaking his head slightly.

Junhee raised his hand in a silent goodbye.

He stepped out of the alleyway they were in, turning right to walk in the direction of the bridge.

After a few steps he put the headphones, which had been resting around his neck the entire time, over his ears. To his dismay, the cables got stuck on the zipper of his leather jacket. He stopped in his track, underneath a streetlamp so he could see better.

He involuntarily zoned out for a bit while he was fumbling with the cables, so he didn’t hear the alarming shout from behind him.

A crash next to him made him snap away from his task and he jumped aside with a shrill shriek. He didn’t get far because a strong grip on his upper arm held him back.

Bright headlights flashed before him and then a gush of wind slammed into his face. Shaking, he looked after the car disappearing into the night.

The blood rushed in his ears, blocking out most of the curses a distant voice threw at him.

But then his head became clearer and…

_Hold on._

_That voice._

_Why did it seem so familiar?_

Junhee turned around, the shock stuck in his bones slowing down his movements.

“… watch what you’re doing id- oh.”

It was safe to say that his heart skipped a beat or two. Shocked, Junhee eyed the boy in front of him who was wearing a similar expression to his own.

“It’s you,” Junhee mumbled perplexed.

The boy rolled his eyes, letting go of Junhee’s arm to pick up his skateboard. With furrowed eyebrows he inspected it, tracing a finger over a tiny nick in the wood.

Junhee chewed on his bottom lip, worried that the other would snap at him, blame him for the damage. It _was_ his fault, for stopping all of a sudden in the middle of the street. But instead of an outburst, a grin slipped on the boy’s face, throwing Junhee off guard.

“Wha-“

"So, you weren't too stoned back then,” the boy interrupted him in an innocent tone. Way too innocent for such a statement.

Junhee’s heart dropped, his face turning pale.

_He didn’t- he would never… But why shouldn’t he-_

"Calm down," the boy chuckled, "I would never tell anyone.”

Still a bit suspicious, Junhee eyed the younger.

Smile never leaving his face, the boy raised the water bottle he was holding between his slender fingers. Junhee followed the movement, raising an eyebrow at the transparent liquid swapping around.

“This is not water, am I right?”

The boy shook his head, smiling sweetly, “Definitely not.”

Junhee was taken aback, letting out a choked-up laugh.

“You- are a funny one. Have you eaten dinner yet?"

  
The boy, went by the name Kang Yuchan, Junhee learned and was indeed younger than him, by a bit more than three years.

Junhee nearly choked on his burger when Yuchan asked, in the cutest way possible, if he could call him hyung. Tears were brimming at the edge of his eyes as he nodded, gulping down his coke and almost chocking on that too.

Yuchan only laughed at his misery, munching on a french-fry with way too much ketchup on it.

They agreed to eat at the run-down McDonald’s across the street. It wasn’t the most exquisite place to stay at, but they didn’t care much. As long as it was cheap… and for once, something different than Korean food. Junhee’s family was not very fond of oversea cuisine.

“By the way… I’m sorry for disappearing like that back then. I was in a rush,” Yuchan said around a bite of his chicken burger. It was kind of gross, but Junhee was too occupied with studying the younger’s sparkling and apologising eyes to notice the half-chewed food in his mouth.

“It’s ok, you weren’t obligated to stay.”

Yuchan shrugged his shoulders, pouting slightly and eyebrows furrowed. He looked like a puppy that got drenched in rainwater because it stayed out for too long. Junhee’s heart clenched.

_How can someone be this cute? It’s unfair._

In a low voice Yuchan continued, “’could’ve still said bye or something.”

Even while wrapping his lips around the straw of his drink and slurping loudly, the pout never left his lips. His apologetic eyes, which now were fixated on Junhee, hurt his soul deeply. Or maybe he’s just being over dramatic now.

Not able to look at the disarming expression of the younger any longer, Junhee shoved – without much thinking – a fry into the other’s mouth. It was a gesture he adapted from Donghun and he couldn’t say he was proud of it.

“Stop,” he groaned in light frustration, “I said its fine.”

The laugh that bubbled up in the other’s throat was loud, and only to be described as cackling. It was cute how the younger laughed with his entire body, throwing his head back and clapping his hands repeatedly against each other.

Junhee jumped in his seat when Yuchan’s knees knocked against the table, making their drinks nearly topple over. They were quick to grab their respective paper cups.

Although he nearly made a mess out of their table, whining exaggerated while rubbing his hurting knees, Yuchan was still grinning.

Junhee shook his head, a disbelieving but fond grin on his face. With whom did he get involved here?

“Idiot,” he mumbled, breaking the silence.

“Says the one who randomly shoves a fry in someone’s mouth.”

_He had a point...It was still very much deserved._

They bickered about it for a while, arguments getting sillier as the time went by.

They switched to small talk after a while; topics as in what’s your favourite food, song, colour and season getting thrown around.

By now, they both had finished their food, only nipping on their drinks in between talking.

Then, while chuckling at something Junhee had said, Yuchan grabbed his backpack from the floor.

Junhee eyed the younger as he pulled out his ‘water-bottle’, opened it and poured some of its content into his paper cup.

Too fixated on Yuchan’s bobbing Adams apple as he drowned the liquid, Junhee missed the opportunity to scold the younger for doing something that stupid. But maybe, it was for the best, given they were in a public place and could easily get overheard.

Yuchan must’ve taken notice of him staring because a grin started to spread on his lips. He placed the cup down and stowed the bottle away, back into his backpack.

“Let’s make a deal,” Yuchan began, innocent smile back on his face.

Junhee stared at the younger, anxious about what will come out of the younger’s mouth next.

"Next time, I let you drink of this," Yuchan held up his bottle of not-water, "and you let me let me have a drag. Ok?"

_Next time..._

_Wait._

“Shit _dude_. Don’t say such things in public.”

But Yuchan only laughed, without a care in the world. Did he not understand how seriously in trouble they would be if someone knew?

Yuchan interrupted Junhee’s attempt to protest with a vague hand gesture around the room.

“As if anyone in here would care.”

Next to them, a few tables away, there was a group of girls sharing the newest beauty tips and tricks. There was also a couple throwing heart eyes at each other in a corner and a lonely guy by the window, reading the newspaper while listening to music. Regarding those facts, Yuchan could be right with his statement.

But back to the topic at hand.

Feeling cheeky, he cocked his head to one side, a teasing smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.

“What makes you so sure that I want to drink?”

Yuchan looked at him with an unimpressed face, leaning forward to rest his chin in between his palm. He raised one eyebrow and his eyes glinted mischievously.

“ _Because_ you were literally staring at me? While I was drinking?”

_Touché._

There was no way he would explain the real reason behind his staring, so he nodded in defeat. Besides, he didn’t mind trying some alcohol. Or seeing the younger again.

A pretty smile spread across Yuchan’s face, making him look even cuter than he already was.

“ _So_ ,” Yuchan drawled, long fingers playing with the empty wrapping paper of his burger, making it more elegant and graceful that it should be. At least in Junhee’s eyes. Due to his staring – once again – he completely missed the last part of what Yuchan was saying.

“Junhee hyung.”

Junhee’s eyes snapped up, meeting Yuchan’s amused one’s.

“Huh?”

“Are you high?” a chuckle, “I asked when you’re free?”

Twisting his hands together, Junhee frowned. He had to stop this. Had to stop zoning out for one goddamn second and not stare at the younger like a creep. He had to, but it was impossible.

“Not yet,” he refused to pout, Park Junhee didn’t pout, at least not in front of cute strangers.

The smirk on Yuchan’s lips was giving away that he had failed. Great.

What should he answer? He didn’t want to come off as too desperate, but coming off as cold was bad too. He was putting more thoughts into this than necessary. One week was too short for him to mentally prepare himself… and a month was- too long… then something in be-

“Wake me up when you’re done going through your imaginary agenda.”

Yuchan screeched when Junhee threw the empty package of his fries at him.

“Brat. Respect your elders.”

Junhee frowned and crossed his arms in defence.

“Not my fault that your brain is as slow as a snail.”

Being very much the elder of the two – mind you – Junhee stuck out his tongue. Yuchan snickered and shook his head, most likely judging Junhee’s childish behaviour.

To prolong his response, Junhee took a huge gulp from his coke. For good measure, he let an ice cube drop in his mouth too. For a while, the cracking sounds of him biting the cube apart were the only noise between them.

Impatience painted Yuchan’s face as Junhee chewed on the ice.

But after he finished even that, there was no distraction left and he finally had to give in and talk.

“If you really want to hang out with a boring person like me then sure, I’m free on Friday in two weeks.”

“Great. Then it’s a date,” the younger announced, clapping his hands together in joy.

Junhee’s heart skipped a beat.

A _what_?

He stared down at his fingers. Subconsciously he had started picking on the skin there during the past few minutes. One part even started bleeding.

All of a sudden, Yuchan’s hands came into his vison. Junhee could only watch – very much frozen – as the younger took his hand into his own and gently dabbed the blood away with a clean napkin.

When Junhee looked up, Yuchan was smiling sweetly at him.

“Don’t want you bleeding out on me,” Yuchan teased, laughing.

“Fuck you.”

_Fuck you for being so cute._

At first, Junhee tried to keep on his hurt expression. But to be fair, Yuchan’s laugh was way to contagious to not laugh too, so he joined in after a few seconds.

When both their chuckles had calmed down, they switched back into comfortable conversation.

Junhee let his gaze drift away from the younger – for once - to look at the pitch-black sky outside. He wondered how late it was.

Yuchan must’ve picked up what he was thinking because he took a short glance at Junhee’s wristwatch, announcing the time with a smile. It wasn’t as bright as the ones before.

“So, it’s that late already…” Junhee mumbled, a bit sad that the evening had come to an end so soon. The hours had gone by in a blur.

Soon, he found himself in front of the McDonald’s, Yuchan with his skateboard in hand standing across of him. He let his eyes trail the younger from head to toe. This time, he wore more fitting jeans, accentuating how long and slender his legs actually were.

A gush of cold air made him snap out of his staring.

It was unhealthy, the amount he did that today. Awkwardly, he cleared his throat and shifted in his stance, pushing his fists into the pockets of his leather jacket.

“Wanna exchange numbers?” he asked, tilting his head back for a bit to look the other into the eyes.

He wasn’t sure how to feel about that to be honest. Height wasn’t everything. He knew and still… there were times he wished to be a bit taller.

“Sure,” Yuchan interrupted his pondering, “but let me warn you. Don’t panic when I won’t call that often. My oldest brother recently got himself a girlfriend. They’re cute but you know…”

Yuchan shrugged his shoulders, chuckling quietly.

No, Junhee didn’t know, didn’t have that adoring glint in his eyes like Yuchan did. His sisters weren’t like that. He still nodded, even managed to force a smile although it felt wrong on his face, foreign even. Thinking about your siblings shouldn’t make you feel like that.

“That’s fine,” Junhee responded, feeling that a verbal answer was necessary in such a situation.

Yuchan rummaged through his backpack pulling out a pen and a paper. Carefully he wrote the numbers down, pen scratching quietly over the surface. Once he was done, he handed Junhee the piece of paper as well as an empty one along the pen.

Junhee did the same.

After Junhee gave Yuchan the paper, he stared at it for a while before he pocketed it.

A hopeful– and maybe a bit foolish – part in Junhee told him that the younger was looking sad because they had to part. It had to be his imagination, because in a blink of an eye, the expression on the youngers face changed, a bright smile and crinkling eyes replaced the frown.

“Well then, see you in two weeks.”

Junhee nodded, gulping down the miserable feeling crawling up his throat.

Nothing could’ve prepared Junhee for the warm embrace Yuchan indicated. Albeit a bit stiff he returned the hug, tightening his arms around the younger’s frame it in a weak attempt to prolong the contact before they had to part eventually.

Even after they let go, his skin was still pricking where they touched.

With a last smile and a small “bye” Yuchan jumped onto his skateboard, gracefully rolling into the darkness of the night. Junhee’s eyes followed him until he disappeared around the next corner.

Far too late he mumbled his goodbyes.

Junhee felt high. High on all the adrenaline pumping through his veins.

Walking through the front door, he already regretted not staying out longer. Immediately, his bright mood shattered, just like something did in the living room. He winced as he could hear the deafening screams of his two sisters. This was going to be a long night, no hope for a calm sleep. Or sleep at all.

Cautious, to not attract any attention, he sneaked into his room, locking the door as soon as it was shut. He knew better than to get in between them.

Something shattered once again. Was it a vase? At this point he wondered if they had any left, given how much they were fighting.

He pressed his pillow over his head, hoping that it would block out the noises eventually. It was useless. He knew from all the past fights, but he still clung to it foolishly. For years now, he had never stopped to notice the harsh words.

He tried to go back to the light-hearted feeling he had in his chest when he had parted from Yuchan.

The image of his smile distracted him, and warmth bloomed in his chest. It felt like an embrace. Like the one Yuchan had given him.

There was a particular loud scream, followed by another crash. So much stuff will land in the trash tomorrow. They weren’t _that_ wealthy. The fact that they couldn’t afford a television should speak volumes.

Junhee cursed his parents for staying out late, for leaving him alone with this shit.

_Think of something else._

_Think of… Yuchan._

Why was the phone so far away? Why in the kitchen? If it were in his room, he could call him. But that would make him seem desperate…

He could leave again, storm out into the cold night. Get his daily dose. Maybe search for Donghun to voice out his troubles. He could do that; his sisters wouldn’t care. But he was tired. Tired from college, tired from the new emotions.

He swayed between wanting to laugh and to cry. In the end he did a bit of both, covering his tear stained face with his palms. At this point there was no way he could deny it any longer. His world went askew the day he had met Yuchan.

Why must he have feelings for a boy of all things?

As if his life wasn’t enough of a struggle already.


	4. Addiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhm… what to say… have fun reading :)

“Remind me why we’re up here again?”

Yuchan looked at Junhee right as a shudder went down his spine, rubbing his arms in an attempt to stay warm.

A distant siren howled somewhere in the city below them.

Rolling his eyes, Yuchan wrapped the blanket he brought along around the other’s shoulders, patting them a bit too harshly. The older could’ve easily dressed warmer, given that it was the middle of November.

Junhee huffed but else stayed silent as he tugged the blanket tightly around himself.

“ _Because,_ I don’t take pleasure in my room stinking of weed hyung.”

In a call they had had earlier that week, they had agreed on hanging out on the rooftop of Yuchan’s apartment block. Barely anyone would go up there on a normal day. But now that the air had turned the world into a freezer, they would most definitely be undisturbed.

The sun was almost down. Only a few sunrays peeked over the skyline, basking the buildings in a gentle yellow light. A slight wind tugged at their clothes as they searched for a good spot, a bit hidden so if anyone stumbled up here, they wouldn’t get spotted immediately.

Junhee, who walked ahead of him, was shaking like a leaf in a storm, teeth clattering.

Was he planning to get sick? Yuchan had to admit that the outfit he picked was a sight to behold. But maybe for this type of temperatures tight-fitting clothes weren’t the best choice. Not that Yuchan had something against the nicely accentuated ass of the other.

Sadly, he had to tear his eyes away from it when Junhee sat down against the brick wall.

Big, awaiting eyes stared up at Yuchan. He was sure the older was close to reaching out his arms, making grabbing motions with his hands.

He didn’t, much to Yuchan’s disappointment.

“Are you going to just stand there until you freeze to an ice statue or are you actually gonna join me?”

“Impatient to get drunk?”

Yuchan chuckled while placing the oil lamp – he contemplated between that and a flashlight, but the former was much more fitting for the occasion – and the bottle of soju he was holding down on the ground.

Now it was Junhee’s turn to roll his eyes.

“Yeah, so I can endure your bratty self.”

Yuchan crouched down in front of the older, cocking his head and smiling sweetly.

“Is that so?” he teased, “and I thought you liked that about me.”

At this point he was only joking around. But was Junhee too? Maybe it was just his imagination, but it seemed like Junhee tried to back away into the wall, cowering from his gaze as if he had caught him on something.

_Interesting._

He didn’t ponder on it for long though, taking pity on the shivering boy and sat down next to him. Close, so that they could share their body heats, or the lack thereof in Junhee’s case.

Almost immediately, the older shifted closer to wrap the blanket around Yuchan’s shoulders.

With the excuse to get more of the warmth the blanket provided, Yuchan slid closer to Junhee. He wasn’t cold per se. Unlike the idiot besides him, he had picked a jacket that was suited for staying out late.

Carefully, he lit the oil lamp. It was too small to give off much heat, but the light made everything seem warmer than it was.

The older boy was still freezing beside him. Even if he was to try and hide it now, his shaking body pressed up against Yuchan’s was a dead giveaway.

“What were you thinking? Picking a leather jacket of all things.”

Yuchan turned his head to look closely at the other’s reaction. He wasn’t sure what exactly he was searching for. Perhaps a sign to proof him right. That Junhee indeed tried to impress with his fit.

Junhee’s eyes flickered, never quite looking Yuchan in the eyes. He gulped.

“You want to get high first? Or drunk?”

_So, ignorance it is._

Two could play that game.

“High.”

_That way I can stare at your pretty lips for a reason._

Junhee nodded, rummaging through the pockets of his jacket to get out what he needed.

With slight amazement, Yuchan watched as he calmly rolled the blunt between his fingers. Shamelessly, he followed the movement of his tongue as it wetted the rolling paper. It shouldn’t look that hot, doing something this illegal.

The proud smile that slipped on Junhee’s lips as he presented the finished blunt was only to be described as downright adorable. The flickering light was casting various shadows on his face. Despite that, Yuchan was fairly sure that he spotted a dimple, almost hidden in the lines of his mouth. Cute.

"You did this before?"

“Nah.”

Junhee hummed in understanding and put the blunt between his lips. Once again, he crammed through the pockets of his jacket to pull out a metallic lighter.

Soft orange lit up dark brown eyes as the flame flickered in front of Junhee’s face. He seemed almost ethereal like this. Smoke drifted from his slightly parted lips before he breathed it out into the cold air.

The atmosphere was calm, unrushed. Even without a drag from the drug Yuchan felt warm. Light, as if he was a leaf floating in the wind. He also was a bit giddy, excited to try out something new.

Voice calm, Junhee explained him the steps.

Inhale.

Drag the smoke down into your lungs.

Keep it inside for a bit.

Exhale.

Sounded easy enough. But Yuchan knew from eavesdropping the locker talks the guys from his school had, that it wasn’t. You had to get used to it first.

With observant eyes, he followed Junhee’s fingers as they once again brought the lit blunt to his lips. Gaze calm and unfocused the older looked after the smoke he exhaled. A gush of wind wafted it away.

After a few seconds Junhee turned his head, smiling sweetly while flicking the ash away from the tip.

“Got it?”

Junhee’s minty breath mingled with a faint smell of weed ghosted over Yuchan’s cheeks. His skin prickled.

When had they gotten that close? Or had they been from the beginning and his mind had only now decided to catch up on that fact? If he were to lean only a bit forward, their noses would brush for sure.

“Show me again,” he rasped out after clearing his suddenly dry throat.

Junhee’s eyes rested on him a bit longer than necessary before bringing the blunt back to his lips.

Unexpectedly, Junhee blew his next exhale right into Yuchan’s face. He giggled when Yuchan shot him an unpleased look, nose scrunching at the smell. As revenge, he jabbed a finger into Junhee’s side, making him jump.

Whining, Junhee slapped his hand away.

“If you continue to treat me like this, I’m not letting you try.”

To emphasize his point, he held the hand with the blunt out of Yuchan’s reach. Or so he thought. Smirking into the others face, Yuchan clambered over his lap, plucking the blunt right out of the perplexed boy’s fingers.

After he had returned to his original seat, he retorted teasingly, “same goes to you hyung.”

Unmoving, Junhee stared at him. Yuchan wasn’t sure if the older was even breathing.

“Stop spiting such high tones, brat,” Junhee mumbled once he recovered from his initial shock, “now take a drag before it goes out.”

Yuchan looked down at the lit blunt between his fingers, twirling it around absentmindedly. The thought that it had been between the other’s lips was enough to set his young mind into overdrive.

_Get a grip Kang Yuchan._

Although playing it cool, there was a nervous tingle at the back of his mind throughout the entire evening. And now that it had fully resurfaced, his hands turned shaky and sweaty. Before his head could completely shut off, he brought the glinting drug to his lips, taking an experimental inhale.

It started off well. But at some point, it went wrong. There was no such thing as beginners’ luck apparently. Unable to avoid it, he choked. His throat burned and it felt like he was coughing his lungs out.

Nimble fingers tugged the still burning blunt out of his hold and a soothing hand rubbed over his back. He was sure if he looked up, he would be met with either a comforting smile or a teasing smirk. Nothing in between.

It was the former.

“How come-,” he started out, wheezing, but got interrupted by another coughing fit.

He took a few calming breaths, waiting for a bit until he deemed it was safe to start talking again.

“How come this shit is so disgusting but when you do it it’s the hottest thing on earth?”

Junhee choked on his inhale, coughing with tears brimming at the corners of his eyes. Yuchan felt bad, he knew now how much the smoke burned in your throat. Unhelpfully, he patted his back, trying to return the gesture.

Once Junhee had recovered, an awkward silence settled over them. Yuchan’s arm fell back into his lap.

For a split second, Junhee’s eyes flickered from Yuchan’s eyes down to his lips. But they returned to their original position in an instant, as if looking there any longer would physically hurt him. Squinting, Yuchan tried to figure out the emotions etched into the others features.

_Could it be?_

“I said what I said.”

Yuchan huffed after a few heartbeats of quietness, not being able to deal with the suffocating atmosphere any longer.

He knew it was risky. It would be easy to deny, to tell the other it was just a silly joke. But he didn’t. The way Junhee acted told him the older wasn’t as unaffected by his teasing as he tried to make it seem.

Junhee took a long drag. Smoke was drifting from his lips when he said mostly to himself, “I need more weed in my system for this shit.”

Too bad they were sitting far too close to each other. So, Yuchan could easily catch his muttered words.

Yuchan had two choices now. He could confront the older about the obvious elephant in the room (or rooftop in their case), or – and he already tended towards that – tease him a bit more.

“Anyways,” he stretched out his arms to wrap one of them around Junhee’s shaking frame, pulling him closer into his side by the waist.

“Let’s get you drunk and me high.”

The look on Junhee’s face was hilarious, a mixture between absolute horror and anticipation. Cackling, Yuchan pushed the cold soju bottle in the other’s hands.

For a while, they took turns in taking jugs out of the bottle and inhaling a lung full of weed. After a few tries, Yuchan – to both of their reliefs – figured out how to not choke on every drag he took.

Slowly the effects were kicking in, making them lightheaded, their actions bolder and touches feeling more intense.

At some point, both of Junhee’s legs found their place in Yuchan’s lap and his head on his shoulder. Yuchan’s arm was still curled around the others waist.

Thankfully, Junhee wasn’t shaking anymore or else he would’ve suggested they change locations and sneak inside his room.

At first, he was rubbing the other’s legs in a way to keep them warm but now he just enjoyed the firm muscles under his fingertips as he traced them up and down. The hot breath against his neck hitched as he made an experimental squeeze.

Junhee sounded absolutely gone as he muttered Yuchan’s name against his skin.

Yuchan’s heart fluttered in his chest as he turned his head to look down at the older boy.

“Yes?”

Yuchan gently covered Junhee’s smaller hand with his own when he noticed the older picking at the skin next to his nails in a nervous habit. He had noticed it before, back at the McDonald’s.

Instead of a verbal answer, Junhee straightened up so he was on the same eye-level as Yuchan.

Now it was Yuchan’s turn to be flustered. Their proximity made him nervous, paralyzed him. His breath stuttered as the tips of their noses brushed.

The soft calling of his name set him into action. Gentle, he threaded his fingers through the short hair at the back of Junhee’s head. The other hand, he curled around the cold collar of his leather jacket, tugging the other boy even closer.

His eyes roamed Junhee’s face; long lashes framing pretty, with worry filled orbs, sharp jaw tensed and tightly shut lips.

A smile and the tension deflated.

Junhee visibly sunk into himself in relief, eyes fluttering closed as they once again gravitated towards each other. Yuchan took the lead, angling their heads.

As cheesy as it sounded, to him it seemed as if the world around them came to a halt. When their lips met in a soft kiss, the rushed sounds of the city suddenly felt so far away.

A mixture of soju, weed and something achingly Junhee invaded his senses. It was addicting.

He pressed closer the same time the older curled his fingers around his jaw.

Their teeth knocked together clumsily, and giggles bubbled up their throats. They parted, catching their breaths. While smiling dorkily at each other, a fuzzy feeling settled itself in Yuchan’s chest.

Junhee nuzzled their noses together before closing the distance again, both his hands clutching at the material of Yuchan’s sweater that he wore underneath his jacket.

Yuchan tried to deepen the kiss. At first, Junhee let him, but something in the atmosphere had changed.

Junhee’s body tensed. Brows furrowed, he pulled away. And when Yuchan tried to reach out, Junhee shook his head, eyes resting on a point somewhere behind him, gaze distant.

“This… we… shouldn’t be doing this,” the older mumbled, out of breath, “it’s… wrong.”

That hurt.

No physical pain could compete with the pain he felt at the other’s words.

Yuchan had feared for that outcome. The worries keeping him awake the past few nights, making him toss and turn in his bed until he cried into his pillow in frustration. But now that it had turned reality it hurt even more, clawing at his heart and blocking his airways.

He understood, knew where the older was coming from, having been at that point too at an earlier part of his life. But he hadn’t given up yet. Not fully.

He reached out for the other. Slow, to give him enough time to say no or pull away. To his surprise, he allowed it, leaned closer even. Junhee’s breath hitched in his throat when Yuchan cradled his face, his thumb stroking gently over the soft skin of his cheek.

He could try kiss him again. But he knew that it was the wrong approach to that topic.

He gulped down the hurt clouding his mind.

“We can always end this,” he whispered.

Yes, it would break his heart, but he wasn’t one to force someone into something that made them uncomfortable.

But instead of the nod he was sure would come next, Junhee whimpered. Shaky hands tugging at the collar of Yuchan’s jacket and pulling him close until he could burrow his head into Yuchan’s neck.

“No, please... no…” he breathed out, voice weak and thin. As if just the thought of it would be his death sentence.

Yuchan smiled, wrapping his arms around Junhee’s body and laying his cheek on top of the other’s head. He rubbed calmly over his back as he said lowly, “there is no rush hyung. We can take it slow. Ok?”

For a moment Junhee pulled back, nodding and a relieved smile resting on his lips.

“How do you even get this stuff?”

They returned to drinking after the atmosphere had shifted back into a calmer one. There was a bit more distance between them, but Junhee’s legs were still laying across Yuchan’s lap and one of Yuchan’s hands was resting on top of them.

Yuchan side-eyed the older after he put the bottle down, licking his lips to get rid of the remainders of soju. There was a newly rolled blunt hanging from Junhee’s mouth, waiting to get lit, lighter and a shielding hand already in position.

“From an older friend,” Yuchan responded, not able to stop the smirk creeping on his lips when he spotted the lame attempt to look disappointed.

Shaking his head, Junhee put the flame against the tip of the blunt. He took a long drag. The tip getting vibrant in colour for a short moment, then turning back to a faint glow. During it, he stowed the lighter away.

“He shouldn’t support this.”

Yuchan plucked the blunt from the other’s lips to bring it between his own. After exhaling he handed it back.

“And you shouldn’t either, but here we are.”

“Brat.”

Yuchan’s giggles echoed loudly in the calm night air around them.

  
  


It was past midnight when Yuchan suggested that Junhee should stay. He didn’t want to let the older go home in that state. ‘That state’ meaning half passed out and curled into his shoulder; tiredness, weed and soju swirling though his system.

At first, the older tried to argue that he couldn’t invade Yuchan’s privacy like that. But in the end, there wasn’t much resistance when Yuchan pulled him downstairs and into his room. Quietly, so his brothers wouldn’t wake up.

Although Yuchan wasn’t fully coordinated himself – stumbling over his feet, swaying in his steps – he managed to steer the older to his bed and made him sit down so he could search for something for Junhee to wear.

Drowsy eyes stared up at him when he held out the pile of clothes. The scene had something eerily familiar to it and he smiled at the memory.

He couldn’t stop his hand reaching out to cup the other’s cheek. Heart fluttering, he watched as Junhee pushed into the touch, eyelids fluttering shut. He was close to drifting into dreamland.

Lightly, Yuchan pinched Junhee’s nose, earning a displeased frown.

“You can sleep soon hyung, but please change first.”

To his relieve, the other complied, holding out his hands so Yuchan could place the clothes on top.

While Yuchan got changed himself – facing away so the older had his privacy – the thought of sleeping in the same bed soon buzzed through his head.

He knew he had to keep his distance, to be respectful of the other’s boundaries. Of course, he could ask, find out how comfortable he was with cuddling. But one look at the older, curled up on top of his blanket and he decided against it.

Junhee was too far gone at this point. Yuchan didn’t want him to wake up in the morning and regret it.

After turning off the light – the lamp on the nightstand being the only source of light now – Yuchan crawled into the bed next to Junhee who was already curled up in the blanket, hair splayed messily over his pillow.

There wasn’t much space left between them, given Yuchan’s bed was meant for only one person. Meaning, only one blanket and one pillow too.

As best as he could, he tried to find a comfortable position to sleep in. He tossed and turned, probably annoying the older to no end. That is, if he hadn’t completely passed out by now.

“Are you done soon?”

With a tired groan Yuchan turned around to face Junhee. The older didn’t look pissed, just really, really tired.

“Sorry,” a sigh, “can’t sleep.”

“Maybe turn off the light as a first step?”

A small smile tugged at Junhee’s lips, as if he was making fun of Yuchan. Rational-thinking-him would know a fitting response to that. But there was no competitive fibre left in his body, so he nodded. He twisted his upper body around to flick the switch of the lamp.

Lying in the dark was even worse. It was impossible for him to tell how much more he could shuffle into the middle of the bed without knocking into the older.

He was still facing Junhee, fearing that if he turned, he would disturb the other again.

The breath in his throat hitched when the other’s smaller hand found his underneath the blanket, entwining their fingers.

He smiled into the darkness.


	5. Idiot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys… please excuse the delay, life has been very stressful the past few days. But without further ado, I hope you enjoy reading :)

A glass shattered against the wall connected to his room.

Junhee was about to cry, or to scream. Or maybe both at the same time.

Could his sisters go one day without fighting?

Another scream.

Apparently not.

Before him laid his unfinished schoolwork that was due next week. Huge piles of papers and books covered the majority of his wooden desk. It was a miracle that they hadn’t fallen over by now.

Junhee burrowed his face in his palms, an irritated groan escaping him. For at least an hour he had been trying to focus on the work at hand. Midway through, his sisters had begun fighting over something absolutely stupid. At least in the beginning it had kind of made sense, but now they were just throwing insults and objects at each other.

Music didn’t block out the sharp sounds of breaking glass or wood.

When a soft thud, probably a book, interrupted his fifth attempt at doing the math problem he was on, he made up his mind, slamming his pen onto the desk. He needed to get out of here.

And he definitely needed a hit.

After throwing on his beloved leather jacket – and a scarf, Yuchan’s teasing voice infiltrating his mind – he sneaked out of the apartment. To be fair, he could’ve made a ruckus, and no one would’ve noticed him leaving. But better be safe than sorry.

Cold, late afternoon air whipped into his face as soon as he stepped out of the comfortable warmth of the apartment block. The sky was gloomy, grey clouds covering up the pretty blue of the day before.

It was Sunday, but a few of the stores were open anyways. The life in a big city never came to a halt. He pitied all the workers being forced to attend work on the weekends, glad that his shifts of his barista job only were during the workdays. Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. He wasn’t looking forward to it.

Wandering through the city cleared his head. There wasn’t a track he was following, just letting his feet guide his way. A few blocks later he put on his headphones, upbeat tones adding a slight skip to his steps.

There was a content smile resting on his lips, thoughts once again on Yuchan – as they always were as of lately – when someone tapped his right shoulder. He flinched, tripping and stumbling a few steps before twirling around, in the movement already taking off his headphones.

It was Donghun.

Thankful and relieved. That was how he felt when he was met with the others signature lazy smile. He mirrored the smile with one of his own.

What were the odds of meeting your best friend in this maze of skyscrapers and roads? A place where masses of people constantly were buzzing around?

“You seem happy,” Donghun remarked after looking him up and down, “but also deep in thoughts.”

There was barely something that slipped his observing eyes. Sometimes it was a curse, sometimes a blessing.

Junhee let out a long sigh, stepping from one foot to the other, “are you free?”

It was a bit ironic that they ended up at the bridge where he and Yuchan had met for the first time. Thing is, it was secluded enough to smoke, but not completely cut off from the world.

Junhee stayed quiet for a while watching the older as he rolled their blunt. It became a bit of a tradition, whenever they smoked together. Donghun took the task upon himself, arguing that he was the hyung and respectively had to take care of the younger.

To his dismay, that didn’t occur often. Donghun was much fonder on poking fun on Junhee at any given chance. But he also knew when to take care and when to tease.

Once finished, Donghun pushed the blunt between Junhee’s lips, lighting it for him.

The first drag was relieving, familiar in taste. Calming. His worries suddenly seemed far, far away. His only focus was on the smoke curling into the air after him exhaling.

“Thanks, hyung.”

_Thanks for being there for me. For taking care of me._

An affirmative hum from beside him, then slender fingers reached out, ruffling though his messy locks. The ‘always for you’ being left unsaid. There was no need for saying it out loud. They both understood.

“So,” Donghun began after stealing the blunt out of Junhee’s fingers to take a drag himself, “what’s up?”

Where should he even begin?

There was so much that had happened the past few weeks. The fighting of his sisters was still the same. But somehow it stressed him out more than it used to. As if he was angry at them. For unknowingly destroying the happy bubble he had desperately tried to build up with what he had with Yuchan.

The younger meant a lot to him. The short amount of time he had known the younger was enough for his mind to swirl out of control.

That scared him. He had never felt this way about a person before. And not only that. The fact that he had lost his heart to someone of the same gender, nagged at the back of his mind. And the permanent thought that a relationship between them was wrong blocked his actions.

“I met someone.”

He wasn’t able to look at the older, so he simply stared ahead, watching a kid skate a few metres ahead of them. Like Yuchan does. Everything reminded him of the younger, making him appear constantly before his inner eye. He never really left his thoughts.

It was a bit concerning.

Like the look Donghun was regarding him with, irking his eyebrow in question.

“I think I like them… a lot. You know, I just can’t stop thinking about them. Not an hour goes by without my head running off into daydreams… they make me happy.”

If Donghun noticed him never clarifying the gender of the person, he didn’t speak up about it. There was barely a shift in his facial features.

“But there is an issue.” It wasn’t a question, Donghun knew him well enough by now to read between the lines.

Fifteen years since they had met. It surely was a long time. Around that time, they had been running around on playgrounds, cheerful giggles had been their permanent companion. Back then, their only worries had been what’s for dinner and what game they should play next.

He even had had a fairly well relationship with his sisters back then.

The change to now was drastic; hanging out in the shadows of a hasty world, hearts scarred and smoke drifting from their lips.

Junhee nodded in defeat. “There is. I-“

His voice broke.

The palm placed on his shoulder was calming and he immediately sagged into the touch, basking in the familiarity of it. He bit his lip as he looked at the older. The calm, understanding eyes almost broke him then and there. He let his head drop, letting it rest on Donghun’s shoulder.

“How do I say this…” he breathed out, nerves turning his voice shaky.

“I won’t judge.”

Junhee let the words sink in.

_I won’t judge._ Of course he wouldn’t. There had never been a time he had doubted that.

It was only his stupid brain that stopped him. That and perhaps the conservativeness of the country they were living in. He grew up with the mindset that liking someone of the same gender was abnormal, not intended by nature. Simply a curse. He knew how gay people got treated. Bullied, pushed away, not accepted into the stubborn social construct. All those facts and he still managed to fall for…

“It’s a boy,” he quickly breathed out, squeezing his eyes shut, bracing himself for the definitive rejection.

But it never came, only the hand on his neck rubbing soothing patterns into the tense muscles.

“And that is a problem because?” The smile was audible in Donghun’s voice when he spoke.

Junhee wasn’t sure if he wanted to hug or punch the older in that moment. He did neither, plucking the blunt out of Donghun’s fingers to press it against his lips, inhaling the drug desperately.

“Why are you reacting like that?” tugging harshly at a few strands of his hair, “so goddamn calm, it’s frustrating.”

He whined, regarding the older with an offended frown.

Donghun chuckled, fixing the few stubborn strands of Junhee’s hair that stood out into all directions because of the mistreatment. Before retreating his hand, he stole the blunt from Junhee.

“Junnie, I suspected it for a while now. What do you expect me to do? Cry in surprise?”

With a soft shove to the others shoulder, Junhee tried to channel his irritation at the older boy.

“I hate you.”

Donghun looked at him for a few seconds, then took a drag. A smile curled the corners of his mouth upward, “Of course you do.”

Now Junhee used more force to push the older over in earnest.

Loud chuckles echoed through the chill air and soon Junhee joined, relief washing over him as well as the weed finally kicking in. A warm feeling spread through his body, swirling into every corner of his heart.

He was thankful for his hyung, for his emotional support when he needed it the most. Without him he would be lost in this world, wandering aimlessly through the dullness of his life until he couldn’t bear it any longer.

And as of recently, there was Yuchan too, a literal sunshine brightening his days with their almost daily calls. Of course, that alone didn’t push all his troubles away. He was still stressed about a lot of things, but now he had something to look forward to. Besides his weekly recording sessions and meet ups with Donghun.

“I can hear you thinking,” the older chuckled beside him, pulling him out of his head.

“I hate you.”

“You said that before.”

A smile on his lips, Junhee watched as the sun slowly began to disappear behind the skyscrapers and lights flickered on in various buildings.

Silence settled between them. Unspoken questions buzzing in the air. For a while, Junhee observed the white clouds puffing from his nose and lips with slight amusement. It was cold. Now that the light of the day was gone.

“Let me guess,” Donghun began when their eyes met, handing the blunt back to Junhee, “something happened between you two and you chickened out and said or did something to hurt him.”

There was a knowing smirk on the other’s lips and Junhee desperately wanted to whip it away, to say no just to spite him. Too bad that he was right. He knew him too well. Junhee let out a sigh, dropping his head in defeat.

“We kissed and… maybe… I told him that what we were doing was wrong. He-“

A groan interrupted him. He didn’t have to turn to know that Donghun was pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“Park Junhee. I seriously want to slap you right now.”

Junhee tried to hide in his jacket, although being fully aware that nothing could stop Donghun’s wrath now.

“ _How_ can you say something like this?”

His attempt at getting the other to stop got shut off quickly. Donghun only having to glare at him once to have him clamp his mouth shut.

“No, don’t speak. I don’t want to hear any stupid explanations. For real, are you stupid? I am fully aware how homophobic the mindset of your family is, but that doesn’t mean you have to adapt to it,” a shaky breath and then, “if he makes you happy, _truly happy_ , then it shouldn’t matter what others have to say. Understood?”

It was safe to say that Junhee was at loss of words. The little outburst stung more than a physical slap ever could. It was as if the various pieces of his scattered brain finally came together.

_You don’t have to adapt to it._

It knocked him off balance. Hard, harder than any amount of weed could. For years he had heard that being gay was something wrong, disgusting even. The influence had come from everywhere. At some point, he had begun to believe it.

It was a bad excuse, but he had simply believed them since he had never heard the opposite. And now that he heard the opposite out of his best friends’ mouth, it was clear whom he wanted to believe.

“You are right. I’m an idiot.”

“I never specifically called you that but I’m glad you agree.”

Junhee couldn’t even get offended at that, he only slumped deeper into his jacket.

He had to apologize to Yuchan. And make it up. He should be grateful that the younger was gifted with such an understanding nature, even suggesting that they could take it slow.

Deep in thoughts, he didn’t notice Donghun looking at him, smiling fondly.

Later, when Junhee was back home – the apartment laying in silence since no one was home – he was light on his feet. Twirling though his room with rapid beats vibrating from his headphones. The talk he had with Donghun as well as the weed had brightened his heart.

And so did the slow accepting of his feelings for Yuchan.

Donghun accentuated more than once that he should let loose, let his emotions guide him instead of his stubborn head.

And that was what he did, selecting the combination of numbers he knew by heart on the turntable of the corded phone. Impatient, he thrummed the tips of his fingers against the kitchen table, waiting for the other to pick up.

“Yes?”

As soon as he heard the familiar voice his chest bloomed in happiness. He sent his kind regards to whoever was up there that Yuchan himself picked up and not one of his brothers. It had happened before and whenever he thought back to it, there was an embarrassed tingle at the back of his mind.

“Chanie,” the nickname rolling easily off his tongue as he hopped on top of the kitchen counter, letting his feet dangle, “I missed you.”

On the other side of the line echoed Yuchan’s cackling laugh.

“You seem happy.”

It wasn’t the first time that day he had heard that sentence. And it wasn’t the first time that day either when he asked, “are you free?”

The thoughts about sounding desperate to meet the younger were never further away than they were in that moment.

His straight forwardness must have caught the younger off guard, because for a few heartbeats there laid stunned silence between them. But then, Yuchan inhaled sharply, letting out a chuckle.

“Sure. I mean … we don’t live that far from each other… you wanna come over?”

Not even twenty minutes later and Junhee had the younger wrapped up in his arms. Yuchan’s bright giggles infiltrating his ears as he spun them around in the small space of the entrance area. The familiar smell of the younger engulfed him.

All to soon Yuchan pulled away, but not without a tender squeeze to his waist. Even after his hand had retreated, the skin there tingled pleasantly.

“What got you in such a good mood hyung?”

“I… realised a few things.”

Yuchan, who walked ahead of him, leading them to his room, turned around with a raised eyebrow in question.

In his inattentiveness, he knocked against a wooden shelve attached to the wall with one shoulder. He winced at the sudden pain, covering the hurting area with his palm.

Junhee already had one arm outstretched when the younger shook his head with a smile. “It’s fine, it’s not the first time.”

Junhee wanted to protest that it doesn’t make something fine just because it happened before. He never got that far, Yuchan pulling him inside his room, pushing him against the door once it was closed.

Yuchan loomed over him, caging him in with one arm pressed to the wood besides his head. Junhee gulped, cowering more into his leather jacket, forcing down the small whine when the tips of their noses brushed.

The tension shattered into tiny pieces when a sheepish smile broke the intense gaze of the younger. The rapid change gave Junhee whiplash. With longing eyes, he stared at the back of Yuchan’s head when he turned and stepped away, mumbling something about “taking it slow”.

This brought him down from his high really quick. Right, he promised himself – and Donghun – something.

Junhee only got into motion when Yuchan sat down on the chair standing next to the messy desk.

Last time Junhee hadn’t noticed the mess the room was in. Band posters were plastered to every centimetre possible, barely leaving space for the white of the wall. Also, there were piles of clothes, books and other stuff scattered across the light brown hardwood floor.

Yuchan must’ve noticed his wandering eyes because he cleared his throat, tugging Junhee’s focus towards him.

“Don’t mention it,” he chuckled, albeit a bit mortified, “if I knew sooner that you would come over, I would’ve cleaned uhm… _this_.” He gestured vaguely across the room.

Instead of addressing it, and most likely embarrass Yuchan further, Junhee swiftly stepped closer to him and leaned down to embrace him tightly. Yuchan let out a surprised noise, but wrapped his arms around Junhee nonetheless.

With a sigh Junhee burrowed his nose in Yuchan’s soft hair.

Junhee was an idiot. An absolute idiot for pushing the younger away like that, for telling him straight to the face that he was wrong for being gay. Sure, he reacted calmly. Understanding, patient even in such a situation. Even though he was the younger of the two, he surely was the more mature one.

“I’m sorry. For… for being such an idiot,” he stopped in his words to pull away and look at the younger who already had his eyes on him, attentive. Oh, how badly he wanted to reach out and caress his cheeks. Later, now was not the right moment.

“I… was wrong… and I hurt you. I realised that today – my best friend knocked some sense into me, gladly. I shouldn’t have told you what we were doing was wrong. Because it’s not. You- we…”

With a groan, he ranked a hand through his hair, frustrated that he couldn’t bring across what he wanted to say. The apples of his cheeks were blotchy from the self-indulged stress and hot tears brimmed at the corner of his eyes. He winced when Yuchan’s hand grabbed his, bringing it in front of his chest. Gently, the younger traced his white turned knuckles, slowly soothing out the tension.

“Thank you,” his voice was quiet but firm, “I understood where you were coming from. It’s not easy in our country to be gay. Even sometimes the closest people to you being not accepting of who you are… believe me when I say I know what that feels like. But that is another story. I’m not gonna lie, your words did hurt a lot. I’m grateful that you realised that, and I accept your apology.”

Junhee admired Yuchan so much for trying to see other viewpoints without quickly flaring up in blind rage when he got pushed away, for speaking up about his emotions. And that at the age of fifteen.

Something must have happened that made him think that way. And Junhee wanted to know what it was. But just like Yuchan had said, that was a topic for another time.

The mood turned quickly when Yuchan reached up to curl his slender fingers around Junhee’s jaw, tilting his head downwards. Junhee looked down at the lazily smirking boy and his heartbeat picked up.

“Can I kiss you?”

Junhee’s answer was quick, dipping down to slot their lips together desperately, cradling the younger’s face between his palms. The shaky gasp Yuchan let out and his eager fingers curling into his shirt made him smile into the kiss, deepening it.

Little giggles escaped the younger between light kisses.

Junhee’s head was spinning. He was more addicted that he could ever be to a drug. Drunk on the high, he pushed forward while pulling the younger closer, gentle fingers curled around his chin to lead him.

Yuchan guided them to his bed, crawling into Junhee’s lap as soon as he had comfortably seated himself against the wall. And when he locked their lips again, Junhee’s mind blanked out for a second before his senses came back in full force.

He whimpered against Yuchan’s mouth as the younger slipped an experimental hand underneath his shirt. Unmoving, it rested innocently on his waist while they continued kissing. Short pecks alternating between deeper kisses, slow but by no means lazy. They were in no rush, time seemingly slowing down.

After a while, Junhee started to notice the initial eagerness ebbing away, with a content smile he pulled away. Observing the younger’s drooping eyes.

He laid a palm to his cheek, stroking the skin with his thumb.

“Are you tired little one?”

A small nod accompanied with a smile was his answer. The younger shifted closer, clinging even more to Junhee. Without asking, Junhee understood the plea swirling in his dark orbs.

_Stay._

And that he did, curled protectively around the younger’s larger frame, slowly drifting off into a pleasant slumber.


	6. Care

Learning the Korean spelling of foreign words, in Yuchan’s humble opinion, was the worst. He just couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Perhaps, he was just overworked at this point. After eight hours of school and at least two hours of homework, it was quite possible. And he wasn’t even finished. Not in the slightest.

He wished he could call Junhee, to distract his spiralling thoughts. But the other had his shift at the coffee shop he worked at. Much to Yuchan’s dismay, Junhee refused to reveal the name of it.

‘Or else you would come and distract me,’ being his reasoning. The older was right of course. Yuchan would be out of the door in no time.

The idea of searching every coffee shop in the part of Seoul they lived in, to find the familiar mop of black hair, was appealing, but stupid at the same time. It was impossible and he still had a pile of homework sitting in front of him.

He missed Junhee, but there was nothing he could do in that moment.

With a sigh he brought an almost empty bottle, filled with soju, to his lips, taking a huge gulp. When he sat down earlier after dinner, it was at least half full. Words and letters slowly began to blur in front of his tired eyes. The buzz in addition with his sleep deprivation didn’t help him understand his homework any better.

It would be hilarious if it did.

He chuckled at the thought. It sounded bitter in his own ears. That’s how he felt too. The pretty shades of orange and yellow of the sunset filtering though the blinds not cheering him up in the slightest. Even thinking about the happy moments, he had had with Junhee couldn’t pull him out of his head, not giving him strength to go about his daily routine like it usually would.

The promise to himself, that he would finish the schoolwork today so he could go skate the next day left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. Or maybe it was just the alcohol, he couldn’t tell anymore.

He let his forehead rest against the cool cover of the biology book.

On days like this he wanted to run away, somewhere far from here, far from this dull reality. To start a new, undefiled life. Without any prejudice from the people around him…

His vision went out of focus as he tried to stand up, steadying himself by gripping the backrest of the chair tightly.

He managed to reach his bed before collapsing on top of the sheets, head spinning. Even if he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to get up again to turn off the lamp on his desk. The sun had disappeared by now, leaving his room illuminated by the soft glow of dirty yellow light.

Curling into the blankets, pressing his nose deeply into the slowly fading smell of Junhee’s cologne, he waited for a restless sleep, for the inevitable nightmares.

The day went by in a dreadful, slow pace, a familiar pain throbbing at the back of his head during the entirety of it.

In the afternoon, he drifted off to sleep during one lesson. To his relief, his teacher had her back towards him, not noticing the slight slip up. Next to him, his seat neighbour snickered, but besides that, she stayed quiet.

He should stop drinking on weekdays… Scratch that – he should stop drinking altogether. He knew how bad it was for his body, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop, too addicted to the pleasant buzz it brought him.

In the end, he didn’t go skating. Not because he didn’t want to, but the weather seemed against him. Heavy downpours were drenching him on his way back home.

Before even doing anything remarkably productive, he took a quick shower, warming himself up.

Clad in an oversized hoodie he inherited from one of his brothers – he wasn’t sure anymore whose it was – and a steaming cup of green tea placed next to his math book, he got to work.

It was a pain, but after three hours of solving unreasonably long math problems and pondering on an endless list of Japanese vocabulary, he was done. For that day at least. Tomorrow there would, for sure, come in more, his teachers not getting the hint of drowsy students and black eyebags.

His stomach grumbled, protesting for the lack of food. Sighing deeply, he slouched deeper into the leather couch in the living room to which he had gravitated after closing his books. He tried to recall when he last ate something, but the only thing passing his mind was the dinner the day before.

_Oh…_

There was no one home. The apartment didn’t smell of freshly cooked food nor did his brothers interrupt his homework session, forcing him to eat. The fridge was full, but there was absolutely no strength left in his body to cook.

A shrill ring interrupted his thoughts.

_The phone._

He nearly stumbled over his own feet as he scrambled to the kitchen, in a rush to pick it up. He took a quick glance at the clock hanging at the wall opposite of him, reading half past nine, then he picked up.

He forgot the time as soon as he heard Junhee’s voice, softly calling his name.

“What are you up to?” Junhee asked once Yuchan had mumbled out his greetings.

“Nothing out of the ordinary, just starving to death,” Yuchan tried to joke, but his stomach decided to ruin it by grumbling loudly.

“Please tell me you ate something today.”

Yuchan stayed silent. He could hear some shuffling sounds across the line. Junhee was most likely ranking a hand through his poor hair in frustration.

“I’m at your place in thirty minutes.”

And with that he hung up, leaving Yuchan flabbergasted.

True to his words, Junhee indeed stood in front of his apartment’s door within the promised time. Grinning proudly, he presented the bag of McDonald’s food he had originally hid behind his back.

Yuchan took in his from the rain dishevelled appearance, shaking his head fondly. He picked the paper bag out of the other’s hold, urging him inside with an impatient hand gesture, eager to eat.

“I’d hug you for your stunt hyung, but I’m not gonna touch you like this.”

He pushed the door shut behind Junhee.

Small pearls of water dripped from the tips of Junhee’s hair into his eyes as he looked up from taking off his shoes. A dry chuckle escaped him as he pushed his hair away from his forehead. The glint in his eyes had Yuchan backing away slowly.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

Junhee raised an eyebrow in challenge.

Yuchan took this as his cue to run, socketed feet sliding on the hardwood floor. In his rush to escape, he almost crashed into the closed door of his room.

But he hit a dead end soon.

He had his back pressed against the wall furthest away from the door, a soaked Junhee slowly approaching him. In a weak attempt to defend himself, he held out the bag with the food in front of him. But Junhee quickly plucked it out of his hold, placing it on the ground.

Now there was nothing left between them that he could use as protection. He contemplated jumping out of the window from the 17th storey. But he had to admit quickly that that would be a bit drastic, just because of a bit of water.

A shrill scream escaped him as Junhee wrapped his arms around him. Cold water soaked his t-shirt in no time. He cursed himself for taking off his hoodie earlier.

“Hyung! No- Let go, _please._ ”

He shuddered. To no avail he clawed at the strong grip. But the older only hugged him tighter, nuzzling his cold nose into his neck.

“Junhee!” Yuchan shrieked, hitting his arm repeatedly.

Finally, Junhee loosened the hold he had on him. At that, Yuchan quickly dipped underneath his arms and stumbled to his closet.

While he was searching the drawers for dry clothes, Junhee once again wrapped his arms around him, soaking the back of his shirt too.

“Really now?”

“I missed you.”

Yuchan was glad the older couldn’t see his face right now, or he would definitely tease him for his burning red cheeks. With a bit too much force he threw the washed-out band shirt and sweats into Junhee’s face.

“Change, so we can cuddle in earnest.”

Yuchan had to switch clothes too, going back to the hoodie he had discarded on his bed. After that, he switched the main light off, it was always a tad too bright for his liking.

He sneaked a peek at Junhee, catching a glance of his delicate lower back before the fabric of the black shirt fell over it. The light of the lamp on the nightstand basked the older in a gentle glow, making him seem almost ethereal.

Of course, Junhee had noticed his staring. The huge grin plastered to his lips said it all.

“Aren’t you hungry?”

Head held low to hide his blush, Yuchan passed the older. His stomach once again grumbled as he kneeled in front of the bag. The mouth-watering smell of fried food hit him as soon as he opened it.

Carefully, he took two wrapped burgers, two packs of fries, a huge box filled with fried chicken and various types of sauces out of the bag. He was speechless, gaping at Junhee who sat down next to him.

“Hyung that’s-“

Yuchan did not get to finish his protest. Junhee sealed his lips with his own, successfully shutting him up.

Yuchan was frowning when Junhee pulled away, smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“Now, where’s my hug?” Junhee asked teasingly.

Yuchan tackled him to the floor.

“I wish we could have a meal in one of those overpriced, luxury restaurants… instead of… this.”

Junhee vaguely gestured at the pile of empty packaging laying in front of them, illuminated by the yellow light the cheap 10’000-won-lamp that was placed on a shabby nightstand gave off.

Yuchan turned to look at the boy sitting next to him.

“Hyung,” Yuchan took Junhee’s hand laying on top of his knee and entwined their fingers, “as long as it’s with you, I don’t need fancy stuff to be happy.”

He truly meant it. To accentuate his point, he gave the other’s hand a tight squeeze and pressed a chaste kiss to Junhee’s cheek.

Yuchan could see it in the way the elder’s eyes were sparkling that he had a very sappy remark to this. But in the end, he just groaned, mumbling barely above his breath, “You teasing me would be a lot better for my heart.”

Yuchan smirked and leaned forward to steal a quick kiss from Junhee. When he pulled away, he got tugged back by a gentle hand threading though the short hair at the back of his head. Junhee softly closed the gap between them again, sighing into the kiss when Yuchan climbed into his lap and wrapped his arms around his neck.

When timid fingers brushed against the sensitive skin of his waist, a giggle rushed past Yuchan’s lips, only to get lost in Junhee’s slightly parted mouth.

Another touch. He flinched, accidentally biting into the soft flesh of Junhee’s bottom lip. But instead of a complaint the older moaned softly, wrapping his arms even firmer around him, deepening the kiss once more.

_He likes that,_ Yuchan noted.

A blush crawled up his neck. He didn’t have much time to ponder about it, his mind coming to a full stop when Junhee’s tongue prodded at his closed lips. Pushing his nervousness to the back of his mind, he let his mouth fall open.

Yuchan gasped, eyelids fluttering. He grabbed a hand full of Junhee’s hair to ground himself from the rush that cursed thought his body.

He had never experienced something like this before. It was addicting. He wanted more.

Tugging the older closer by his chin, he deepened the kiss. Junhee responded eagerly, cradling his jaw. Yuchan couldn’t help but smile in bliss. He brushed his knuckles over Junhee’s soft cheek before once again getting lost in the feeling of their languidly dancing tongues.

Experimentally, he let one of his hands slip underneath the other’s shirt, blunt nails scratching over the delicate skin of his back. The reaction came immediately, Junhee shuddering while keening highly in his throat.

But then, Junhee gently placed a hand onto Yuchan’s chest, pushing him away just slightly. He gaped for air eagerly.

Fascinated, Yuchan’s eyes flickered over the other’s dishevelled appearance, greedily sucking up every small detail. Junhee looked absolutely devastating like this, hair mused, jaw slack and red bitten lips slick with spit.

“As much-” Junhee said softly, hot breath fanning over Yuchan’s lips, making him shiver, “as much as I like where this is going. Let’s stop here.”

The words seeped through Yuchan’s clouded mind.

_Let’s take it slow._

Yuchan thought back to when he said that to the older a few weeks ago. They had a whole new meaning now. He agreed with the older, there was no rush. Because he couldn’t trust his voice right now, he nodded, smiling.

He pressed one last kiss to the tip of Junhee’s nose – sending the older into a blushing frenzy, before he turned around in his lap.

Once comfortably seated in between Junhee’s legs, back to chest, he reached behind himself to tug Junhee’s arms around him. He giggled when Junhee pulled him close and nuzzled his face into his neck, pressing a gentle kiss to the sensitive skin there.

“You want to drink?”

The question was innocent in nature, but Yuchan immediately tensed, feeling nauseous by even thinking about one drop of alcohol in his system.

“Anything but that please,” he pleaded.

“Something happened?”

Yuchan shook his head.

“I don’t drink on weekdays.”

Junhee didn’t say anything more to that, just entwining their fingers in Yuchan’s lap. Lazily, he traced small circles with his thumb over Yuchan’s knuckles.

Getting lost in focusing on the calming touch, Yuchan began to doze off, the tiredness that followed him thorough his day finally catching up. Inevitable, his eyelids fluttered shut.

The next time he opened his eyes, he found himself tucked into bed, blanket pulled up to his nose. He blinked a few times before he turned to his side.

Outside the window, the sky was dark. And given Junhee hadn’t joined him by now, he must’ve slept for only a short period of time.

Facing away from him and back resting against the bedframe, Junhee was listening to music. Yuchan picked up the quick bass coming off his headphones, but he couldn’t figure out what the older was listening to.

He was supposed to know by now how easily the other gets scared. But the realisation came too late, when he already had wrapped a loose arm around Junhee’s shoulders. Painfully, the back of Junhee’s head connected with his chin as he jumped up, shrieking.

Junhee was frowning when he turned around, a whining protest on the tip of his tongue until he took notice of Yuchan rubbing his throbbing chin. In an instant he was down on his knees, taking Yuchan’s face between his palm, worriedly inspecting the reddening spot.

Their closeness made Yuchan forget the pain almost immediately. But instead of telling the other to back off, he took advantage of the worried boy.

“Kiss it better?”

He knew Junhee was a goner as soon as he pushed his bottom lip out, full on pouting.

“I don’t think that will help,” Junhee said while rolling his eyes, but despite his words he still gravitated forward, “but if you _insist_.”

The corners of Yuchan’s lips curled upwards when he felt soft lips pressing a feather light kiss to his chin. Before Junhee retreated, he let his lips brush teasingly over Yuchan’s, making him chase after him. Yuchan frowned, in full contrast to Junhee’s smirk.

“Better?”

“If you give me a proper kiss, then yeah.”

And that he did, nearly knocking him off balance by the eagerness of it. Yuchan chuckled against the other’s lips, responding just as enthusiastic.

Junhee pulled away first, out of breath. If Yuchan hadn’t been in the same state, he would have teased the older for it.

While gasping for air, his gaze fell on the Walkman lying next to Junhee on the floor.

“Hey, how about you show me what music you are listening to?”

Junhee hesitated. It was clear in the tensed lines of his body, but in the end, he nodded, picking up the Walkman and joining Yuchan on the bed. Eager, Yuchan jumped up and into the other’s lap as soon he was seated, legs crossed. Junhee chuckled, steadying him with curling an arm around Yuchan’s waist.

“What are you? Human or puppy?”

Yuchan didn’t answer, he only pointed at the headphones in Junhee’s hands, sly smile plastered on his face. Without further ado, Junhee gently placed them over Yuchan’s ears. He fumbled a bit with the rewind button, the speeding of the tape a distant sound to Yuchan. And then it came to a halt with a klick and Junhee pressed play.

Song by song went by and he couldn’t help feeling like Junhee had given him a piece of himself. The different songs perfectly described the older, his entire being getting unravelled through something as simple as music.

He smiled at Junhee, the other mirroring it, albeit a bit more on the shy side.

Yuchan pulled the headphones from his head, ruffling up his hair in the process.

Out of pure reflex, Junhee fixed the few strands sticking out. Yuchan looked at him fondly. It was endearing how the tips of the elder’s ears turned red at this.

“Thank you,” Yuchan whispered before closing the distance between them in a soft kiss.

_Thank you for showing me a piece of you._


	7. Rain

The swing creaked beneath his weight when Junhee sat down on it, but he barely heard it through the rapid basses thrumming into his ears. He was still in his school uniform, coming to the secluded playground right after his last classes of the day had ended.

Yuchan had suggested that place. No one would come here, even if the kids were not busy with studying.

It was run down, not welcoming in the slightest. The paint was peeling off the wood of the small climbing tower, the slide rusty and while the swing he was sitting on was more or less intact, the rust on the chain holding it up was quite worrisome. The other swing was completely missing. The concreted ground was cracked, weeds and flowers growing out of them.

Barely any light reached it, blocked by the high buildings and the clouds moving lazily across the sky.

It was a perfect meeting point for them.

It was a bit cold though to be hanging around outside. He debated that morning if he should wear a jacket, in the last minute he decided against it. the regret came immediate, a strong gush of cold air hitting him once he stepped out of the apartment block. But since he was already in a rush, he decided against going back.

He shuddered, pressing his hands between his thighs to warm them.

He hadn’t had to wait long for the younger. Only one and a half songs had passed when he spotted the younger walking behind the overgrown mash fence. He was clad in his school uniform, a way too big jacket thrown over his shoulders, making him look even younger and slimmer than he already was.

The urge to jump up and sweep the younger in his arms, to bask in his warmth was huge, but he refrained from doing so. Instead he turned off the music, pulling the headphones off his head and carefully stowed the Walkman into the side pocket of his backpack, laying on the ground next to him.

Grinning like an idiot, he waited until Yuchan stood right in front of him, looking down on him, mirroring his expression. He opened his arm in invitation.

Junhee didn’t need to be asked twice, in an instant he was on his feet stumbling into the awaiting arms.

Yuchan chuckled. “Hello to you too.”

Junhee grumbled, pushing his face into his neck.

“Cold.”

He knew what the younger wanted to say before he even opened his mouth. It wasn’t the first time he scolded him for wearing far too less for his liking. And this time, Junhee had to agree with him.

“I appreciate that you love to use me as your personal heater, but _please_ hyung, listen to me for once, just _once_ , and wear something warmer.”

Wrapping his arms loosely around the younger’s neck, Junhee cocked his head slightly to one side.

“Thanks for worrying about me,” Junhee said lightly. Feeling playful, he kissed the tip of the younger’s nose.

At that Yuchan shook his head in disbelief, pinching Junhee’s waist. Junhee yelped, slapping the younger’s hand away as it approached him once more. It didn’t stop the younger though, staring Junhee dead into his eyes, he dug his fingers into Junhee’s side and began tickling him in earnest.

Multiple times Junhee tried to get out of his hold, begging him, through uncontrollable fits of laughter, to stop. Tears brimmed at the corner of his eyes and his cheeks were beginning to hurt, muscles not used to the strain.

He was wheezing by the time Yuchan stopped. He never moved his hands away, leaving them resting at his side.

Yuchan’s indifferent expression didn’t last much longer, not able to hide his amusement. A big smile broke out on his face, killing his act.

Snickering, Junhee leaned forward to press their foreheads together. Yuchan’s breath hitched audibly, and the hands at his waist began to shake slightly. Junhee placed his own on top of them, giving them a gentle squeeze. He leaned forward, leaving a short peck on Yuchan’s slightly parted lips. A breathy giggle escaped the younger and a small, pleased smile spread across his face.

“Sap,” Yuchan mumbled, trying to hide his blush with masking it with a disgruntled pout.

Too bad that the colour of his cheeks didn’t disappear like that. Junhee chuckled, pinching them lightly, amplifying it. Whining, Yuchan leaned away, out of his reach.

“You like it.”

Junhee knew by the way Yuchan already stepped away that a sassy remark would follow to that. And he was right. A big grin split his face. “Shut up.”

Not even a hyung, just simply telling him to shut up. Junhee didn’t take it by heart, already too used to it to get offended. That didn’t mean that he would laugh it off.

“Come here you brat.”

Yuchan shrieked as Junhee tried to get a hold of him, jumping out of his reach. He was quick to run away, Junhee on his heels.

Junhee chased him around, never quite catching him. Always when he was close, Yuchan sprinted off again, changing direction. At one point he even run up the slide, but he jumped off it rather quickly when something cracked underneath his weight.

While Junhee slowly felt the strain of running around, lungs not catching up with pumping oxygen through his body, Yuchan still hopped around him, seemingly unaffected.

And now he had the audacity to sit on the swing, grinning smugly as if he just waited for Junhee to come closer so he could run off again. Junhee still tried, stepping closer. To his surprise, Yuchan stayed where he was. But even when Junhee was withing arms reach, he didn’t move he only snickered while pleading for Junhee’s forgiveness.

Junhee choose to ignore it, set on getting his payback. When he was close enough, he reached out to ruffle Yuchan’s hair roughly. Yuchan’s reaction was a mixture between laughing and quiet screaming, trying to get a hold of Junhee’s wrists.

In the end, he managed, pulling them away from his head to entwine their fingers.

The mood swung to something more tender, calmer.

Their position was quite intimate Junhee noted; him standing between Yuchan’s legs like that. Yuchan let go of his hands to curl his arms around Junhee’s middle, tugging him closer so that he could press his face into his chest. It was grounding, feeling Yuchan’s breath seeped through the fabric of his shirt, warming his skin underneath.

Junhee carded his fingers through Yuchan’s ruffled hair, combing out the knots from his mistreatment.

“How was your day?”

Yuchan tilted his head up at the question. He shrugged.

“Could’ve been worse.”

Junhee hummed. If he said that, it was fairly ok but there always something happened. Nothing bad, sometimes a class that he disliked or a teacher giving way too much homework.

Yuchan yawned, and while it was endearing, it had Junhee worried too.

“Did you fall asleep in class again?” he asked in a not so wild guess.

Yuchan pouted.

So, he was right. He was aware that the younger tended to sleep much too little, staying up and working at his schoolwork until he passed out on top of it.

“Chanie-“

“But only once!” Yuchan tried to defend himself, “and the teacher didn’t notice...”

Junhee, knowing it was fruitless, let it go. Instead, he kissed the top of Yuchan’s head, nuzzling his nose into his hair after and wrapped his arms around his head gently, pulling it against his chest. The younger sagged in his hold, sighing contently.

“Jun hyung, I’m sleepy.”

Yuchan’s mumble was muffled by the fabric of Junhee’s clothes.

“Go to sleep earlier then,” Junhee responded and although he said it in a playful tone, he wished the younger would listen to him.

But it was the same with him and dressing warmer. They both were stubborn to their own extend. Junhee set on the idea that he wouldn’t freeze and Yuchan… well… set on studying so he wouldn’t fail his classes.

Yuchan shook his head and said as much. Junhee let out a sigh. At that Yuchan pursed his lips.

“Maybe a wake-up kiss would help?” he asked cutely, pully eyes in full force.

And who was Junhee to deny the younger something like that? As if he ever could.

Chuckling, Junhee leaning down to capture his lips tenderly with his own, fully aware that he fell right into the younger’s trap, but he didn’t mind if it meant he got more kisses. Right as he leaned away, he got pulled back by his tie. Their mouths locked once more, sweetly, with no rush in the world. And then once more. Yuchan’s hand curling around the back of his head, deepening the kiss.

Junhee could go on and on like that but their moment got interrupted by a cold, wet drop hitting the tip of his nose.

He tilted his head up, mustering the dark clouds above them. Yuchan was already looking at him when he dipped his head. While he very much liked the rain – watching the drops trail down the glass of his window, how it smelled afterwards – he was not very keen on getting wet.

The feeling of a déjà vu hit him when he asked the younger, “have you eaten dinner yet?”

Right as they stepped into the road where the convenient store was located at, the sky opened its gates in a heavy downpour, drenching them immediately. All the running didn’t help and when they arrived at the store’s door, Junhee’s uniform was soaked, drops of water dripping into his eyes.

Yuchan looked slightly better, the jacket he was wearing protected his upper body a little, but his pants stuck to his legs and when a gush of wind hit them, he shuddered.

“We will get sick like that, hyung,” he stuttered out between the clattering of his teeth, pulling the jacket tighter around him. He eyed Junhee intently.

“Especially you.”

It was possible. But he couldn’t change it.

He would suggest grabbing something to eat and go to his place. Thing is, only his sisters were home and the chance that they would stumble into them was fairly high. And he didn’t really want Yuchan to meet them. He was aware that the younger saw through his excuses for a while now, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell him. It was stupid really, being ashamed of something he couldn’t control.

“It’ll be fine,” he told Yuchan, pulling the door open and gesturing inside. “After you.”

Although Yuchan didn’t look happy with that decision he followed suit. They couldn’t go to his place either, his oldest brother had invited his girlfriend over and not so subtly asked him and his other brother to stay away until later. He remembered laughing at a cringing Yuchan, thinking about what _exactly_ they could be doing.

Their decision was quick, one cup of instant noodles for each, along with a hot cup of tea to warm them up. While Yuchan waited for the water for the noodles to boil, Junhee brought their tea to the table tucked into the corner of the store.

He was trying to peel his jacket away from his shoulders when the younger approached him with their food, amused glint sparkling up in his eyes as he took notice of Junhee’s struggling. But instead of helping him, he placed the cardboard cups and the chopsticks down on the table before leaning against it, watching while refraining himself from laughing.

“You could be helping me instead, you know,” Junhee finally snapped, eyeing the younger disgruntled, bottom lip pushed out.

Yuchan showed no mercy, seemingly disinterested he took a sip of his tea, slowly placing it back on the table. As if he was unaware of Junhee’s situation.

He grinned.

“If you ask nicely.”

Junhee turned away from the younger, while mumbling, “never mind if you decide to be a brat about it.” Before he even finished talking, he was already back on trying to get the wet fabric off him.

Half a minute later, he gave up.

“Chan, _please_ ,” he didn’t care that he was whining, he just wanted to get the tightness of his jacket gone. And if this was the only way of getting Yuchan to help him, then so be it. To his relief, Yuchan did help him, but not without a “now that wasn’t that hard now, was it?” spilling from his mouth.

Junhee wanted to protest, to throw a sassy remark back into the younger’s self-satisfied face but that wouldn’t do him any good, and he would be stuck in that goddamn jacket forever even if the shirt underneath was just as wet, it was better without.

Or not.

Because once they got his jacket off and they could finally sit down and get to eating, he noticed Yuchan’s eyes flickering down to his chest.

And not just once.

When he looked down himself, he realised what caused the younger’s distress. His white shirt was very much clinging to his body, showing off pretty much everything underneath. In slight embarrassment, he threw his paper napkin at Yuchan, the tips of his ears turning pink. He quickly tugged at the damp material to get it off his skin.

Yuchan was laughing but even he sported a faint blush.

“This is the first time we’re eating something different than greasy McDonald’s food together,” Junhee noted after a while of silence.

Yuchan slurped some noodles into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully while nodding slightly.

“It’s about time,” he chuckled after he had swallowed. “Although I don’t mind you buying me burgers, _hyung_.” He was downright pouting now, giving Junhee the puppy eyes and a hard time.

Junhee shook his head.

“You only care about not having to pay.”

“I would never,” Yuchan gasped, feigning surprise at the accusation.

They ate, drank, and talked while occasionally bickering. Junhee had no idea how much time had passed. He wasn’t keen on checking.

At some point, shivers began rolling through Junhee’s body. At first, he tried to hide it, denied it when Yuchan asked if he was cold. Yuchan watched him intently, and when it got worse, he stood up to wrap his jacket around his shaking shoulders. And although it was cold and damp, he still appreciated the gesture, mumbling “thanks” while pulling it closer around him.

Junhee longed for a hug, but the shop owner eyed them for a while now, so he refrained from pulling the younger into his arms.

“Jun hyung, as much as I want to spend more time with you… you have to change out of those clothes, or you really will get sick.”

Junhee hated that he was right. And he hated that he had to go home, not able to sleep at Yuchan’s place. He had classes the next day, and while he had some of the books with him, the others were still at home. Also, going from Yuchan’s place to his before going to school was, despite them living close, still too far. It wouldn’t match up.

So, he nodded, already feeling his mood drop at the thought of soon leaving Yuchan.

While Yuchan threw their trash away, Junhee took of the younger’s jacket, holding it out for him to take once he came back. But Yuchan shook his head, pushing it back.

“You wear it.”

“But-“

“ _Please_.”

Junhee rolled his eyes but still pulled the jacket on.

Their bid their goodbyes to the store owner, but he straight up ignored them. Yuchan and Junhee exchanged a confused look. It was soon forgotten, once they stepped outside, they were once again reminded of the rain. It was even worse than before; no umbrella could shield them from the streaks of rain pouring down. Not like they had one in the first place.

“Are you sure you don’t want your jacket back?” Junhee asked despite pulling the clothe even tighter around him as a cold wind hit him.

“You’re shaking like a leaf and you’re still asking?”

Fair point. But in the end, he would still push the blame on himself if the younger got sick too. Because he was the one to blame and not Yuchan and his kind heart.

He sniffled; it was almost clear at this point that he would catch a cold.

“Ok then… let’s go home.”

Reluctant they got into motion, stepping out into the heavy downpour.

They stood in front of Yuchan’s apartment block, Junhee curled into the younger’s side, having his arms wrapped around him. Soaked from head to toe and shaking. Neither was keen on letting go, on saying goodbye. But they had to. It was late and Junhee had to get some medicine and a good night of sleep.

“I-“

“Why is it so hard to say goodbye,” Yuchan mumbled, interrupting him. With a sigh, he pressed his cold nose into the wet strands of Junhee’s hair.

Junhee had an answer to that and he had the feeling that the younger thought the same.

“Hey,” Yuchan’s voice was quiet, wavering.

Junhee hummed, curiously blinking up at Yuchan.

There was that glint in his eyes. It was only there when he looked at something he loved. Usually it was his skateboard, a flower he found pretty or a scenery that caught his attention. Sometimes he caught the younger staring, but Junhee never saw it directed at him like this, unmasked and raw.

It was there only for a second, then his eyes flickered slight distress and the tips of his ears turned pink. But maybe that last part came from the cold, he couldn’t be sure. Unmoving, Junhee waited for the younger to continue, waiting calmly. Quite in contrary to Yuchan who turned more and more anxious.

In the end, Yuchan averted his gaze, staring at a spot behind Junhee. Underneath his fingertips, Junhee could feel the younger’s rapid heartbeat.

“Can I…” Yuchan started, eyes shortly flicking to Junhee. He gulped.

“Can I call you mine?”

Junhee couldn’t describe the emotions that were surging though him at that question. He was simply overwhelmed, bursting in joy but at the same time he wanted to break down and cry. There were a few tears in his eyes when he hugged Yuchan even closer to himself, nodding.

“Yeah,” he breathed out, carding his fingers through Yuchan’s hair. It stayed back due to the rainwater still clinging to it. He pressed a kiss to his exposed forehead, not daring kissing his lips in his health state.

“Of course.”

Yuchan smiled relieved, gently stroking over Junhee’s cheek with his knuckles. Junhee’s eyelids fluttered at the tender touch, but he didn’t want to close his eyes, wanted to look at the younger for just a bit longer. The words ‘I love you’ buzzed in the air between them. Neither was brave enough to voice them out. but they didn’t need to, their gestures speaking louder than words ever could.

“Now it’s even harder to let you go,” Junhee admitted, chuckling bitterly.

He pressed his head into Yuchan’s shoulder, sighing. On one side, he was bubbling with happiness, light with love and adoration, but there was a sad part within. he had to go home, back to reality. Now, when everything seemed perfect.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

Yuchan had insisted on staying outside until he couldn’t see Junhee any longer, until he walked around the corner of the next block. While Junhee chuckled at it, he very much appreciated the care with which Yuchan treated him. At first, he had suggested that he could accompany him home. He quickly denied, not wanting the younger lose any more sleep.

His steps were heavy, but his heart felt light, fluttering. A small part ached. Leaving Yuchan always tugged at his heartstrings, but this time it felt even worse than it ever had.

Clutching Yuchan’s jacket tightly around his frame, he picked up speed. Set on falling into his bed, cold medicine, and a hot tea in his system.


	8. Skateboard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhm hi… please don't hate me for this chapter :)

Yuchan sat at the riverbank, a small skater park looming in the distance. He would go over there eventually, but for now he basked in the last warm sunrays of the day seated underneath a leafless tree, skateboard lying beside him. Staring into the distance without really focusing on anything, he lets his mind drift to Junhee.

After their rainy date he indeed got sick. Nothing bad, just a cold. It barely lasted for a week. But since then, two weeks had passed. They haven’t seen each other, nor talked much over the phone. Junhee had told him that a busy time was ahead of him – loads of schoolwork, tests about subjects he struggled the most.

He warned him that he would barely find the time to talk or meet up. Yuchan understood, but that didn’t make him miss him any less. The day before he had called at least five times, set on forcing the other to make a break for once. It was selfish of him, but he just wanted – no needed – to hear his voice. Even if it was just for a minute. And then Junhee had picked up. Minutes turned into an hour, but then someone came home and Junhee quickly bid his goodbyes.

Yuchan doubted that Junhee was studying right now. He knew the older by now, he was most likely listening to music somewhere far, far away from home, trying to bring his stress level down and mood up with weed while pondering over the downsides of life.

He never mentioned it, but it was clear that he hadn’t the best relationship with his family. The only one he regularly talked about being his dad. Not even once he suggested to hang out at his place, always steering their meet ups outside or to Yuchan’s place. And that was ok with him, really.

Patient, he waited for the older to open up to him about his problems and worries. But until now he stayed quiet about it. Maybe Yuchan had to make the first step, revealing something about himself first. About his own struggles with his family, why exactly he lived with only his brothers…

A shadow fell over him.

When he looked up, he was met with a nasty smirk and slicked back hair. He knew that boy, also his two friends standing slightly behind him. They were in a class above him, but what made them famous wasn’t their low grades but their habit of causing trouble wherever they went. And whatever it was why they were here, Yuchan was soon to find out. He wasn’t looking forward to it.

“What do you want?” he pressed out, nerves spiking as the boys stepped closer, looming over him. Their auras emitted confidence. It was sickening.

Anxiously Yuchan’s eyes flickered from the boy in front of him to his companions. He felt trapped.

The bark of the tree dug painfully into his spine as he tried to back away. He cursed his decision of not picking the bench he originally planned to sit on. The spot where it was placed was too crowded for his liking, but now he wished there were more people around.

The leader of the group crouched down in front of him. Yuchan eyed him warily. Before he could react, the other had his throat in a painful grip, pushing him back until the back of his head connected with the firm wood. He gasped desperately for air, clawing at the hand that tightened with his every attempt to get it away.

“Never thought someone from our school could sink that low.”

_What is he saying? What does that mean?_

Yuchan would voice his questions out lout weren’t it for the tight grip around his throat. Dark sports appeared in his vision just when the other loosened his hold slightly.

“Thought no one could see you? Huh?” the boy snarled into his face, breath stinking of beer. The smell made Yuchan want to throw up. “On that playground. Acting all gross with that _boy_.”

The way he spit the last word out made Yuchan’s blood boil. He said it like it was poisonous, made it sound like it was the most obnoxious thing in the world. Out of sheer anger, he spat the other in his face. It was satisfying, the look of absolute surprise. But his victorious moment shattered to pieces all too soon.

He knew he fucked up when a fist connected with his jaw, for a split second his mind blackened out and when he came to his senses, he was laying on his side. His head buzzed and the spot where the knuckles came in contact with his jaw throbbed unbearable. In contrary, the grass underneath his cheek was soft and cooling.

But they weren’t done with him. Of course, they weren’t. The shoe digging into his stomach being a painful reminder. He gasped, curling into himself. To stifle his whimper, he brough his hand to his mouth, clamping it over it.

“Fucking fag, keep your sickness to yourself.”

He tried his best to not take the comment by heart, but it ripped old wounds open, making him choke on some bitter tears. Blinking rapidly, he mostly succeeded to hide them away, but one traitorous tear slipped past, leaving a wet streak painting his dirtied cheek.

“How pathetic,” one of his assaulter’s companion remarked as he took notice of his glistening eyes. Yuchan knew he should keep his mouth shut; he was clearly in the disadvantage here. Already on the ground with a jaw that would bruise in blue and purple in a few hours. He was aware of this but couldn’t stop the “same goes to you” slipping his lips.

The next kick to his stomach came expected, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. He doubled over, nails digging into the soft soil as he tried not to scream, not wanting to give them that final satisfaction. A few kicks followed, each more painful than the last. He remained as unmoving as possible, hoping they would soon back up and leave him alone.

They did stop eventually. He was about to sag in relief, but the next thing gotten said made his blood run cold.

“This is getting boring.”

“For real,” a groan, “how about we drown our little fag’s precious skateboard in the river?”

Despite the mind-numbing pain soaring through his entire body once he moved, he forced himself to get to his board before they could. His fingertips were already grazing the familiar wood when a harsh tug at his jacket’s collar ripped him away.

“No-“

Yuchan’s protest got cut off by a hand pressing over his mouth, a scream getting trapped in the back of his throat. Getting held back by two guys way more built than he was, he had no chance. That doesn’t mean he didn’t try to rip himself away, kicking, wringing in the bruising hold as he had to witness his most beloved possession getting thrown into the dark floods of the Han-river by the third boy.

We wanted to scream, to cry, to punch in the pesky grin of his assaulter’s faces. He did neither, blankly he stared ahead, feigning absolute disinterest when the third boy stood in front of him. He took small pleasure in the ugly twisting frown of his opposite, smirk close to break his indifferent demeanour.

The hold around his arms was still strong, making it impossible to move his upper body, but not his legs. He was aware that it was foolish, but he wanted to try get the upper hand. To his dismay, his move was predicted, food caught mid movement before it could even get remarkably close to hurt anyone.

A chuckle. Then he got thrown against the tree, his head knocked heavily against the trunk. All air left in his lungs rushed out of him. His knees buckled, body slithering down the scuffing bark.

He felt nothing but so much at the same time. Body numb and mind spinning uncontrollably.

The laughing of his leaving assaulters a distant sound though the rushing in his ears. They left, just like they came. Leaving Yuchan to his own devises.

He heavily rested against the tree, close to throwing up due to his spinning head and the recent events. Pessimistic, that he would ever get his skateboard back. It wasn’t quite the weather to go swimming and in the dark it reduced his chances to zero.

Only now, all alone, he allowed his held back tears to fall, muffling his sobs with the dirtied palms he pressed to his face.

  
The first place that came to his mind was Junhee’s. Without much thinking about it, he set off. The image of his boyfriend before his inner eye lightening his painful steps. But after a few blocks of aimlessly walking around, he came to the realisation that the older never told him where exactly he lived.

He let himself fall against the next wall, his energy seeping off his body rapidly.

Of course, he could go home, patch himself up and hope that his brothers didn’t ask any questions. But they would, once he stepped one foot into the apartment he wouldn’t be save of their protective pestering. He was used to it, didn’t mind much. It was great to have such caring brothers.

Today though, it was different. He never had the chance to tell them he got himself a boyfriend. Not that they would find an issue with it, he just didn’t want to reveal it like this, beaten up because of an innocent love.

There was one person who wouldn’t ask, silently taking him in and taking care of him besides Junhee.

And so, he found himself standing – well not really, he heavily leaned against the doorframe, the multiple staircases taking a toll on his already demolished body – in front of Sehyoon’s dorm, ringing the doorbell.

He waited.

And waited.

He rung again, but nothing happened behind the locked door. _Isn’t he home?_ Yuchan pulled his split bottom lip between his teeth, tears welled up in his eyes, feeling so small and helpless.

“Please, you can’t- you have to be home,” he whispered to himself, choking on a dry sob.

Just as he reached out to ring the bell again, he heard shuffling inside the apartment. A klick and the door flung open. But in front of him wasn’t Sehyoon, he never had seen those bright brown eyes before, which now were widened in surprise and shock.

Did he miss the right floor? It was possible with how much his head was spinning. He sure hoped that he didn’t gain a small concussion. His hopes were low, feeling sick to the stomach and the edges of his vision getting blurrier the more time went by.

The boy in front of him mustered him intently.

“Dude, no offence but you look like shit.”

Instead of a witty comment he tightened his grip on the doorframe when a new wave of nausea hit him. But he wouldn’t collapse in front of a complete stranger, he willed his body to cooperate.

Through the rapid rushing of the blood inside his ears, he almost didn’t catch the padding steps approaching them.

“Kwanie who’s at the door?”

Once Yuchan spotted his friend over the stranger’s shoulder, he sagged in relief, shocking the both of them as he collapsed onto his knees.

“Yuchan!”

Sehyoon was quick to crouch down in front of him, pulling him into his arms. As he carried him inside, ‘Kwanie’ shut the door behind them. Not able to hold his strong demeanour any longer, Yuchan burrowed his face in the older boy’s chest, hiccups wrecking his shivering body. Gentle fingers threaded through his messy, blood crusted hair.

They made a few turns, then a door clicked open and he got placed down on a worn bathroom carpet. He felt cold without the strong arms around him.

After a while of rummaging around in one of the cabinets, Sehyoon pulled out a dusty first-aid-kit. Yuchan watched him grimace before he blew the dust away, sneezing when a bit went up his nose. Normally, Yuchan would laugh at something like this, but now he barely managed a smile.

Sitting down cross-legged in front of him, Sehyoon mirrored his crooked smile, the worry was more apparent though. Without much further ado, Sehyoon reached out and began to wipe the dirt from his face with a wet cloth.

He looked at Yuchan with an apologetic frown before pressing the cotton ball soaked in rubbing alcohol to his scrapped cheek. Yuchan winced at the sting. He tried to stay as still as possible to make it easier for Sehyoon to disinfect his face. Lastly, he applied some cream to his throbbing jaw.

Sehyoon asked Yuchan if there were any open wounds underneath his clothes once he was done inspecting his head. Yuchan nodded faintly, recalling sliding down against the bark of the tree, pulling his t-shirt up to show him the scratches.

Carefully, Sehyoon helped him out of his jacket and t-shirt, folding both of them together and placing it on the tiled floor next to him. He gently urged Yuchan to turn around. Once Yuchan was seated, he got to work.

A few minutes later, Yuchan was fully patched up and wrapped into a fluffy blanket on Sehyoon’s couch. Slowly, the pain started to ebb away, thanks to the painkiller Sehyoon gave him earlier.

With mild interest he observed Sehyoon and the boy – who went by the name Byeongkwan – fuss through the small open kitchen on the other side of the room.

Their behaviour towards each other reminded him a bit of him and Junhee. His heart stung at the thought of his boyfriend. He could be wrapped up in his arms if the older told him where he lived. Or, and that would be more likely, he would stand in front of the door of his home, looking absolutely pathetic while getting told Junhee went out.

The cushion dipped beside him and before he could react, he got pulled into a firm but careful hug. He didn’t respond, but he appreciated the comforting gesture of his friend. He closed his eyes, letting himself fall into the other’s hold. Like before, Sehyoon carded his fingers though his hair in a calming manner.

Distant clutter and a whisk occasionally scraping against the bottom of a pan being the only sounds in the room. Sehyoon was the one to break the silence.

“You want to talk about what happened?”

Yuchan shook his head before muttering “not really”. There was no strength left in him to tell the whole story. Also, he wanted to forget the evening even happened in the first place.

Sehyoon hummed in understanding.

Yuchan jumped in shock when next to them, Byeongkwan all of a sudden cleared his throat. Slowly, he raised his head away from Sehyoon’s shoulder to look at the boy, kind smile resting on his full lips. His gaze fell on the steaming mug in his hands. The aroma of hot chocolate infiltrating his nose.

_Is that… for me?_

His mind couldn’t wrap itself around the tender gesture, still shaken from the events before he came here.

Sehyoon took the beverage from Byeongkwan’s hold instead of him, thanking the other before tugging him down on the couch next to him.

If he didn’t turn his head in that moment, he would’ve missed the small gesture of Byeongkwan looping his arm around Sehyoon’s. Almost immediately, Sehyoon laid his free hand on top of the other’s thigh, giving it a tender squeeze.

In an instant, Yuchan felt left out, forgotten.

Once Byeongkwan took notice of Yuchan watching them, he quickly pulled his arm away, even going that far to shift a few centimetres away from Sehyoon.

A slight blush spread across his face.

_Oh?_

Sehyoon gently placed the mug in Yuchan’s hands, a bit like he tried to hide what happened.

By now it was almost clear to Yuchan what was going on. They moved around each other with so much familiarity, gravitating towards the other like they couldn’t bear to be apart even for one second.

Slowly, to not burn his tongue, he took a sip of the sweet beverage, eyes never quite leaving the flustered boy behind his friend.

The hot chocolate warmed his insides, making him relax. Quite in contrary to the boys besides him, turning more anxious with each passing second, he didn’t speak.

Finally, the curiosity took the upper hand.

“Are you two together?” he blurted out, noticing how Byeongkwan flinched and shifted behind Sehyoon a bit more to hide himself.

Byeongkwan mustered him suspiciously while Sehyoon stayed completely calm, only the slight twitch and shifting of his eyes showing that he wasn’t completely left unfazed.

They never had such a conversation before, Sehyoon didn’t even knew Yuchan was gay. Yuchan had feared for rejection, the fight between his parents and him still a fresh wound back then when they first met. And since then he never had the strength to reveal it.

“What if we were?” Byeongkwan bit out, trying to sound nonchalant but his voice wavered by the end of the question.

Sehyoon shot the boy behind him an accusing glare, pinching his thigh. Byeongkwan yelped and slapped Sehyoon’s hand away. He had his mouth already opened to protest, but before he could voice out whatever was on the tip of his tongue, Yuchan interrupted him.

“I’d be happy for you of course.”

That threw Byeongkwan completely off guard. His jaw clicked shut and he blinked confused. Sehyoon wore about the same expression, staring at Yuchan in disbelief.

Yuchan smiled.

It was sad really, that they had to fear for that rejection on the daily. To get rejected for who they were. He knew now what could be the negative outcome of someone knowing. It was better if you keep it to yourself, hidden behind locked doors.

He and Junhee should’ve stayed there, never should’ve went out to that stupid playground.

He could tell them; reveal why exactly he was so understanding of their relationship. But he didn’t. Although there was nothing to fear. The shock of the recent events still sat deep in his bones.

The hot chocolate had turned lukewarm in his hands, he chugged the whole thing in one go. The wish, that it was something else besides an overload of sugar, nagging at the back of his mind.

“I’m tired.”

He didn’t look at the other two boys when he said that, or else, he would’ve witnessed their frowns or the worried look they exchanged. Byeongkwan was the first one to jump into action, mumbling something about getting a blanket before he left the living room.

A gentle hand reached out to turn his head, the soft pads of Sehyoon’s fingertips pressing against his chin. Yuchan let him, going pliant under the touch.

“Do your brothers know where you are?”

Yuchan shook his head. No. And he had absolutely no strength left in him to do so. But he knew the older would pester him, not letting him rest until he had called them. So, he slowly got up to shuffle towards the phone standing next to the radio, placed on top of a far too delicate wooden dresser compared to the rest of the dorm.

His brothers had no complaints, given it was Saturday, no classes scheduled for the next day.

His oldest brother had picked up. He just got back from his date, head far up in cloud nine.

Yuchan wished he’d felt like that too, that he could love without any worry in the world. That he dated someone who was accepted by society.

After Byeongkwan and Sehyoon had finished preparing his nightly camp on the couch, they wished him a good night. Byeongkwan hesitated for a bit before he wrapped Yuchan up in a tight hug, ruffling his hair in a calming gesture after letting go. Yuchan already started to like the older, his caring nature a blessing to his wounded heart.

“Good night, little one.”

And with that, they left him alone.

He tried hard not to cry at the nickname.

_Junhee calls me that too._

The reminding thought of his boyfriend made him realise how much he missed him, how badly he wanted to curl into his arms, let his sobs be calmed by soothing whispers and kisses.

Soon, he fell into a restless sleep, plagued by snippets of the evening, interrupted by painfully pretty memories of Junhee.

He would give anything to have the older here with him.


	9. Talk

Yuchan didn’t even made it past the front door before Junhee had him wrapped up in his arms, holding onto him tightly.

Junhee missed the younger, the past few days went by dreading slow. He was too busy with schoolwork and when he called Yuchan, he never picked up. either the line was occupied or one of his brothers picked up, telling him their brother wasn’t home or all bundled up in homework.

Until yesterday. But even then, he seemed quiet, not like himself at all. Junhee had asked him what bothered him multiple times.

He never got an answer.

The suggest, that Yuchan could come over to his place – his parents and sisters went on a trip, leaving him all alone. Not that he minded much, he was glad to have some days of silence – didn’t get the enthusiasm he was expecting. None at all actually, just a muttered “yeah why not”.

He was worried sick. And that feeling only got stronger when Yuchan whimpered in pain, pushing him away instead of reciprocating the hug.

He looked at the younger. _Really_ looked at him. He seemed smaller than usual, thinner. The glint in his mischievous eyes gone. There was something missing, besides the lack of a smile. His observing gaze scanned over Yuchan’s entire frame until it stopped at his worn sneakers.

“Where’s your board?”

Yuchan shrugged.

“Didn’t feel like taking it with me.”

There’s that repellent behaviour again. Junhee could scream in frustration, but he knew it would bring nothing good. Shouting right into the younger’s face wouldn’t make him talk more. Yuchan already flinched away when he reached out, inviting him into the apartment.

After Junhee had showed Yuchan his room he left him alone, albeit a bit reluctant, to make some tea. Maybe some calming herbs would make the younger relax and reveal whatever was bothering him.

He filled their respective mugs with a sigh, a worried frown on his face.

“It’s still a bit too hot to drink,” he informed the younger once he had placed the mugs down on the bedside table. There was no reaction, not even a hum to let him know Yuchan had even heard him.

Careful, to not startle Yuchan, he sat down on the bed, leaving as much distance as possible between them.

“What happened?” he tried again when their eyes met.

Clamping his jaw shut tightly, Yuchan shook his head. There was a tell-tale wetness welling up in his eyes. But even now, when Junhee reached out in an attempt to lay a comforting palm on the other’s shin, Yuchan shifted away. Deeper into the corner he buried himself into.

“Yuchan.”

_Talk to me._

_Please._

“I ran into the shelve again.” Yuchan’s voice was thin, almost inaudible. If Junhee wouldn’t have waited for him to talk that badly, he wouldn’t have picked it up.

Yuchan had his head lowered, but Junhee didn’t miss the single tear rolling down his cheek. Out of sheer reflex, Junhee reached out, but he retreated his hand before it was even in arms reach for Yuchan.

“It’s not even remarkably on the same height as your jaw. Yuchan,” Junhee searched his eyes with his own but the younger had his mind set to not even look into his general direction.

Frustrated, Junhee burrowed his hands into the sheets, to refrain himself for reaching out again.

“Yuchan look at me, “ he pleaded, voice barely above a whisper, “please tell me the truth.”

From one second to the other, Yuchan bursts into tears, heavy sobs shaking his lithe body. It took one look from his red rimmed, with tear brimming eyes for Junhee to join the younger in the corner, pulling him into his arms as careful as he could. This time Yuchan let him.

It was a small victory but Junhee was still relieved that the younger didn’t push him away. That would’ve broken him.

Careful, to not hurt him like he did back at the door he held Yuchan close, rubbing soothing patterns into his tensed shoulders and neck.

After a while, Yuchan turned frantic, furiously wiping the falling cheeks away with the sleeves of his shirt. Junhee tried to stop him, tried to get a hold on Yuchan’s wrist. He managed after a few failed attempts.

Yuchan whimpered but he didn’t let go, too taken aback to register anything else. In disbelieve he stared at the ugly bruise spreading across the younger’s jaw and part of his cheek, hidden underneath a thick layer of make-up. It came off with all the tears harshly gotten rubbed away.

“J-Jun, it hurts.”

Upon hearing the pained voice of the younger, Junhee let go immediately.

“Sorry I-“

“It’s fine.”

Nothing is _fine_. They both knew.

Slowly, to not startle Yuchan, Junhee took his badly covered up face between his palms. Without any pressure, he let his fingertips run over the bruises across the younger’s cheeks, stopping at the one at his jaw.

“What happened to you?” he asked for seemingly the hundredth time.

This time though, Yuchan answered.

New tears were rolling over his cheeks. Junhee carefully whipped them away with the back of his hand, as he listened to the younger’s shaky, with hiccups interrupted, story.

“Someone saw us… back then… at the playground. They found me…” he pointed at his jaw, “then… they became bored, one of them suggested to- to throw my skateboard in the river. That’s why I… came here without it.”

He made a short pause, gulping down the clump in his throat.

It hurts, to see the bright, sunshine-y boy broken like that. He was aware how much that board meant to him.

The question why Yuchan didn’t come to him, burned at the tip of his tongue, but Yuchan talked before he could voice it out.

“After they threw me against a tree, they… left. I wanted nothing more than to see you. But… I had no idea where you lived.”

His tone wasn’t accusing, even now, in such a state, there was an understanding sparkle in his eyes. Junhee didn’t deserve that, none of it. He’d rather have Yuchan scream his disappointment at him, shake him, slap him. Do _anything_ that didn’t include hugging him, rub a soothing hand over his shaking shoulders as he hiccupped into the younger’s neck.

He was sounding like a broken record, repeating the words “I’m sorry” until his voice gave out. And every time he said it, Yuchan answered with “don’t be”, pulling him even closer.

Junhee hated himself. Hated himself for the fact that he wasn’t there for his boyfriend when he needed him the most.

Yuchan held him, rocking them side to side. It should be the other way around. Junhee should comfort Yuchan. It was the younger that was hurt, inside and out. Not him blaming himself for never telling the younger something as simple as his address.

The fear about his sisters asking questions when he brough someone home for the first time, seemed so stupid to him now.

“Then where did you go?” he pressed out, not able to look Yuchan into his eyes.

“Sehyoon’s place,” Yuchan murmured as he brushed a stray hair out of Junhee’s face, tucking it behind his ear only to fall down again as soon as he released it.

Junhee nodded. Sehyoon was that older friend he sometimes talked about, the one that supplied the younger with alcohol.

He felt bitter, but he was the one to blame. It was his fault, only his.

Hot tears brimmed at the corner of his eyes and when they fell, Yuchan was quick to wipe them away.

“He took good care of me.”

Yuchan mistook his tears as those of worry. Junhee wasn’t going to correct him. The truth about him being jealous too ugly for Yuchan’s ears to hear.

“His boyfriend was there too, didn’t knew he had one until he opened the door for me.”

_What are the odds?_ Junhee thought to himself. It fascinated him that two gay boys found each other without knowing it from one another.

He wanted to ask how he found out. If they told him. Or if they had a slip up, or he was just an observant little brat and straight out asked them. he didn’t though, there was a more urgent question burning on the tip of his tongue.

“Why didn’t you call me?”

_Why didn’t you talk to me?_

Yuchan looked at him with big, apologetic eyes. Junhee already felt bad for asking. But he wanted- no, he needed to know.

“I don’t know…” the younger admitted, “I guess- their words, their actions… it had hurt, so much. I was too deep in my head because of it. I also went to the nursery at my school, to check if I had a concussion. Gladly, that’s not the case. I know it’s no excuse. But please… please believe me when I say that I wanted to call you. I _really_ did… but I didn’t… I should have never ignored you. That- probably made you angry… I’m so stupid.”

A bit helpless, Junhee listened to the younger’s outburst. He was worried, frustrated maybe but never angry for Yuchan refusing to talk to him. He tried to talk into himself that the younger would come to him when the time was right. And in the end, he did. Junhee had so push him a bit, but he talked, opened up to him. And that’s what mattered.

He had forgiven the younger before he even said anything, the sad look in his eyes was enough. Yuchan had forgiven him too for keeping something as simple as his address to himself.

Fixating Yuchan with a smile, he mumbled “we’re both stupid then.”

_You’re forgiven._

Yuchan mirrored his smile. For the first time today, he wore something different than a frown. His eyes were brighter. Finally _looking_ at Junhee again.

He chuckled. “I guess.”

Not able to hide his relief, Junhee leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to the tip of his nose. The action made Yuchan giggle.

“At least we’re stupid together,” Junhee remarked with a grin.

Yuchan shoved him, chuckling.

“Hyung _no_ , that’s so cheesy.”

Instead of a response, Junhee pulled him into a tight embrace. Yuchan yelped, gently reminding Junhee that his injuries where, sadly, still very much there.

They managed to find a comfortable position to lie in. Junhee on his back while Yuchan rested on his side, one arm curled around Junhee’s waist and his head placed atop his chest.

Slow and gentle, Junhee carded his fingers through Yuchan’s dark locks. Yuchan’s breath went slow, steady. He seemed relaxed. Junhee was glad, the stress weighting on his shoulders too heavy for such a young age.

He let his gaze wander through the room, he stopped at the nightstand table. The tea. He had no idea how much time passed but there wasn’t any steam rising from the mugs so it must be almost cold by now.

“It wasn’t the first time, you know,” Yuchan all of a sudden said, pulling Junhee out of his thoughts.

Junhee turned his head, away from the mugs, to look down at the younger.

“What do you mean?”

Yuchan hesitated for a bit. He tilted his head, locking eyes with Junhee. His eyes flickered, as if he were searching for something in Junhee’s expression. Not knowing what to do, Junhee smiled, hoping that it was the right thing to do. Apparently, it was. Yuchan returned the smile, but as quick as it came, it dropped again.

His tone was bitter when he mumbled, “getting hit for being gay.”

Junhee’s blood ran cold as he heard that. He stopped mid movement; fingers tangled in the younger’s hair.

With an aching heart, he waited for Yuchan to continue.

“My parents… they weren’t happy about it… when they found out. I barely did anything, just cuddling with a boy I had an innocent crush on back then. We weren’t even together, but as much as I told my parents that, they didn’t believe me. From one second to another I found myself on the streets, an ugly bruise on my cheek from where my dad hit me. I… could crash at a friend’s house. It was clear that I couldn’t stay there forever. So, I called my brothers. They accepted me with open arms in this big city… even payed for my ship and train tickets from Jeju to here…”

Yuchan stopped to look at Junhee.

“When I told them, the reason I got kicked out… Jun, t-they hugged me. For the first time, I was sure that it was ok… for being _that_ way.”

Sadness, anger, but mostly disappointment surged though Junhee. No one, absolutely no one should experience something like that for simply being themselves.

“I’m sorry that you had to endure all of this.”

He felt like an idiot now. The issue between him and his sisters, even his mother could never compete. Not even one bit.

Yuchan shook his head, expression blank.

“It’s not your fault, so don’t apologise.”

“I still feel bad for you,” Junhee muttered, eyeing the younger intently.

Although not saying it out loud, Junhee knew what those glassy eyes tried to tell him.

_Thank you._

_For being here for me._

Quietness fell over them after that. Junhee picked up on his dropped task again, stroking soothingly over the younger’s head. Minute after minute passed, Yuchan’s breath getting slower with every second that passed. And then he was asleep, the littlest snores muffled by Junhee’s hoodie.

Endeared, Junhee gently stroked over the younger’s cheek. His heart melted when his nose scrunched up and a sleepy whine escaped him.

He was glad that Yuchan was still comfortable with him after all of what happened. He wouldn’t blame him if he weren’t. Having such a past additional to getting beaten up. Junhee was astonished that it didn’t show more. Yuchan was always so cheerful, bright, joking around with a persistent smile on his face.

_Those who smile the brightest are the saddest._

Maybe there was some truth in that. Yuchan got hurt at a very young age. Junhee could only imagine all the pain he went through. It must’ve been horrible.

Next to him, Yuchan stirred in his sleep. The hem of his shirt rid up with the movement, reminding Junhee of the bruises hidden underneath. Anxiety clawed at his heart as he reached out to pull up the shirt even more, not able to push down the worry.

What he saw made his head spin in anger. How could you possibly do this to someone? In what sick mindset do you have to be to hurt a person like that?

The dark purple bruises were a stark contrast to his pale skin. And there were so much of them too. They would take a long time to heal, but the wound in his heart even longer.

Not able to look at them any longer, he pushed the shirt down, once again covering the bruises. Angry tears brimmed in his eyes, but he refused to cry because of this. He never cared so deeply for someone else. That scared him, but the happiness, the fondness – no the love – he felt for Yuchan outweighed that. Now, he was sure that he could never let go of the younger again.

As he watched the rise and fall of Yuchan’s torso, he decided it was time that he finally introduced the younger to Donghun. It was like he decided to introduce his boyfriend not to his best friend but to his parents.

He chuckled at the thought. The sound and movement of his chest accidentally pulled Yuchan out of his slumber. Bleary, half lidded eyes looked up to Junhee.

“What’s so funny?” Yuchan slurred, voice thick with sleep.

Junhee ruffled his hair, “nothing important little one, go back to sleep.”

A pout slipped on Yuchan’s lips, but he nodded regardless, eyelids already shut again. Junhee smiled, nuzzling his nose into Yuchan’s hair before kissing the top of his head.

Due to a knee uncomfortably pressing into his side, Junhee woke up only to find Yuchan leaning over him, helplessly trying to reach the nightstand table to turn off the lamp. A quiet curse escaped him when he failed in his task, fingertips brushing over the switch but not able to flick it over.

He reached out again, once again almost reaching it weren’t it for the few centimetres left in between. As much as it was cute, and slightly funny to watch the younger struggle, Junhee was worried for his injuries. That he would strain them too much if he continued any longer.

“You need help?”

Him suddenly talking had Yuchan flinch and he froze. Ears turning pink from embarrassment, he looked down at Junhee. The shock was soon forgotten, and a smirk slipped on his lips. One eyebrow raised, he fixated Junhee with in mirth glinting eyes.

“I don’t think you’re any help in that position.”

Junhee shrunk under the teasing gaze, chuckling nervously. He couldn’t even tickle the younger in fear of hurting him. And he had no fitting remark as a counter either. Refusing to meet the younger’s gaze, he stared at the arm pressed into the pillow right next to his head.

“Brat.”

Yuchan just chuckled and leaned down to press a chaste kiss to Junhee’s cheek. “Only for you.”

Feigning being sulky, Junhee turned to his side, back facing Yuchan. He grinned to himself when the younger snuggled up to him, wrapping one arm around his waist and nuzzled his nose into the short hairs on the back of his head. Plan succeeded.

In his position he could easily reach out and flick the switch of the lamp.

“You think you’re sneaky huh?” Yuchan mumbled into the darkness, hot breath ghosting over Junhee’s neck. Junhee shuddered.

“Shut up and sleep,” Junhee said with a huff, pulling the younger’s arm tighter around him, entwining their fingers.

A chuckle ripped out of Yuchan’s chest. He shuffled even closer to Junhee, tangling their legs together. Junhee took great comfort in that position, he liked getting held like that, to be the small spoon for once.

There was one thing though, that made it hard for him to fall asleep. He started to feel cold. Yuchan’s body heat only providing his back with warmth.

“Yuchan,” he tried. But there was no reaction.

He let out a sigh.

“ _Chanie_.”

Nothing.

“Stop pretending to sleep and let me go, I need to pull up the blanket.”

“Come on, I’m not a heater like you.”

“Kang Yuchan!”


	10. Friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this is already the tenth chapter out of eleven… time sure flies... aanyways, please enjoy! ^^

Yuchan was, by all means, slightly intrigued by the observing eyes that belonged to his boyfriend’s best friend. The piercing on his eyebrow glinting in the bright light of the sun not helping in the slightest.

The day he stayed over at Junhee’s place, the older had suggested to finally introduce them to one another. After he had whined and complained for at least an hour because he ‘nearly froze his ass off’ thanks to him. Yuchan chuckled at the memory of Junhee’s outburst to his remark that his adorable butt was very well heated. In the end, they both laughed, snickers accompanied while they prepared a small breakfast.

“Nice to finally meet you,” Donghun said with a smile, eyeing Yuchan from head to toe.

_Finally?_

Yuchan shrunk a bit into himself at the gaze, stepping slightly behind Junhee to hide. His boyfriend only chuckled, most likely used to his best friend’s antics. Blindly, Junhee’s hand found his, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“Nice to meet you too!” he yelped.

Usually, he wasn’t like that. So shy and unsure of himself. But what happened at the river was still sitting deep within him. Not only that though, this was Junhee’s _best friend_ he was standing in front of, not just some random stranger. They knew each other for so long – Junhee gave him a short insight to their relationship before they met up with Donghun at that one shabby McDonald’s – it was a bit intimidating to be honest.

Donghun chuckled at his reaction.

“What a cutie,” he said, addressing no one in particular.

Yuchan still mumbled his thanks, hiding his blushing face in Junhee’s neck. Junhee called him cute before, but he never heard it out loud, directed at him from someone else. His brothers didn’t count, they grew up with him.

“You better hold him close,” Donghun addressed Junhee and added with a smirk, “or I might steal him away from you.”

“You’re not even-“ Junhee set on, but Donghun shushed him with a cutting motion towards his throat.

Before Yuchan knew what was happening he got swirled around, all of a sudden between the two best friends, used as a human shield. He was about to protest when two familiar figures approached them.

Junhee had also the idea that Yuchan could ask Sehyoon and Byeongkwan along, so he could thank them for taking care of Yuchan. And here they were, huge eyes mustering the situation unfolding in front of them.

“I’m not even going to ask what’s going on here,” Byeongkwan mumbled, eyes, in contrary to his words quite curious.

After they had ordered their food, they sat down at a table to wait, a bit secluded in a corner. Byeongkwan and Sehyoon on the chairs on one side, Junhee and Yuchan on the bench opposite of them. Donghun got an extra chair for himself with an eyeroll.

Junhee took it up on himself – Yuchan piping in occasionally – to introduce them to one another.

During it, he sneaked one arm around Yuchan’s waist, pulling him a bit closer. Yuchan side eyed the older, not understanding how he could act this obvious in public.

_Idiot. People can see._

But he left his mouth shut, chewing subconsciously on his bottom lip.

Him mentally cursing at the older didn’t made him pull his arm away though. They hadn’t mastered the skill of telepathy yet. But to push the arm away, Yuchan felt a tad bit too protected. There weren’t that many people around, he tried to reassure himself as he slightly leaned into the touch.

A gasp from across the table made his eyes snap to Byeongkwan who had his jaw wide open, eyes flickering from Junhee to Yuchan and back.

“Hold on!”

It seemed like Byeongkwan had connected the dots.

Huffing, Yuchan gently slapped Junhee’s thigh. Junhee turned to look at him, eyes widened in question. Shaking his head, Yuchan pointed at the not so subtle arm curled around his waist. Junhee grinned sheepishly but he made no attempts to pull away.

Meanwhile Donghun patted Byeongkwan’s shoulder, chuckling.

“You got it right,” he mumbled, eyes roaming around the room before he continued, “I’m the only one that’s single in this group.”

“I didn’t-“ Byeongkwan stuttered, with widened eyes he shifted in his seat to exchange a glance with Sehyoon.

Donghun’s look said it all and Yuchan had a hard time hiding his amusement. Of course, Donghun had them figured out from the minute Sehyoon and Byeongkwan had joined them. it was quite obvious when you knew what you have to look for. The glint in their eyes, the way they listened to the other in huge interest; a small, but sure give away. Or perhaps Junhee had told Donghun about their relationship beforehand.

Byeongkwan still had that frantic look on his face when his and Yuchan’s eyes met. Yuchan couldn’t supress his chuckling any longer.

“If you think you two are subtle,” a snicker bubbled up his throat, interrupting his talk, “then think again hyung.”

“I think he has a point.”

Byeongkwan was about to protest when Sehyoon laid his hand atop the younger’s knee, smiling. His eyes flickered down to the hand and then up to be met with three knowing smirks. He sighed in defeat.

Their got interrupted by their number getting called out. Byeongkwan, eager to escape the situation, jumped up, pulling Sehyoon with him to get their food.

Donghun watched after them, shaking his head at their intertwined hands.

“Oblivious fools.”

As he said that, Junhee and Yuchan just had linked their pinkies, Yuchan slightly leaning against the older in the excuse of being sleepy. Even fake yawning to get his act across.

With a raised eyebrow, Donghun turned to look at them. When he spotted their hands, he groaned.

“And you aren’t any better.”

Yuchan was already finished with eating while the others still munched on their fries. He quickly excused himself, in need of using the toilet and washing his hands properly. The wet wipes not doing the trick.

While washing his hands, the door to the bathroom opened and three guys stepped in. He didn’t give them any mind, going to the paper towel dispenser to dry his hands. But when one of them spoke, he froze, blood running cold and his knees almost gave in.

He had hoped to never see them again, to never hear their voices again.

They would immediately recognise him once he turned around. He cursed his bad luck. Head bowed to the floor, he tried to get past them. A whimper left him when a firm hand grabbed his upper arm. Roughly, he got turned around and pushed against the wall, head knocking against the cold tiles. He shut his eyes firmly.

“Nu-uh not so fast,” a taunting voice slurred in front of him. He hated how familiar it was, how it reminded him of that evening.

He refused to open his eyes, refused to accept the repeating event. This had to be a bad dream, he must’ve fell asleep on Junhee’s shoulder. The older would wake him soon, cooing into his face while adoringly pinching his cheek.

The pain on his arm and the stench of beer hitting his face was proof enough for him to know this was very much real. He got pulled away from the wall only to get shoved back, breath escaping him in a gasp.

“At least look at me when I’m talking to you, fag.”

Yuchan shook his head, stubborn.

His bully clicked his tongue.

At the silence that followed, something stirred inside of him, an uneasy feeling crawling underneath his skin. His eyes snapped open at the exact moment an open palm rushed towards him. He flinched, bracing himself for the inevitable impact.

But it never came.

Instead, the ruffling of clothes slipped into his ears and then Donghun’s voice. He raised his head to find Donghun standing in front of him, tightly holding his bully’s arm in place.

With his free arm, he tucked Yuchan more behind himself, shielding him off.  
  
"He belongs to me,” he snarled; voice held low.

Even if it wasn’t addressed at him, there went a shiver down Yuchan’s spine. The older sure could be intimidating if he wanted to. Junhee had told him that Donghun had a calm and gentle soul, that he could never hurt a fly. Most of the time, it was hidden behind a mocking grin and teasing words. Junhee never mentioned how freaking scary the older could get once angered. He was glad that he wasn’t at the receiving end of his wrath.

"Picking on someone who's weaker,” Donghun continued, “you know that’s fucking pathetic?”

Yuchan could only imagine the fury carved into his features as he said that.

“Don’t tell me you’re allies with that lame excuse of a human being, Donghun.”

Yuchan’s mind stuttered to a halt. He said Donghun’s name.

_They knew each other?_

“Don’t even think about coming to me for your stuff.”

_Stuff?_

And then it clicked. Junhee told him that he and Donghun occasionally smoked together. What he failed to mention was where they got the weed from.

“You wouldn’t,” his abuser laughed, babbling something about helping a friend out or some shit like that. Yuchan stopped to listen at some point.

“Think again,” Donghun said it with such a calm voice, the other stopped immediately, clamping his mouth shut. His eyes were pleading but Donghun was unforgiving, pointing at the door.

Now piss off. I never want to see you, nor your minions again."

Not even half a minute passed, and they were out of the room, leaving Donghun and Yuchan alone. As soon as the door fell into its lock, Yuchan slipped to the floor burrowing his head between his knees. He was focusing on his breathing, gulping down the urge to cry when Donghun wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into his chest.

Thankful for the comforting touch, Yuchan shifted closer to the older. A few tears trailed down his cheeks, he wiped them away with the back of his hand.

“I had a bad feeling,” Donghun said after a while, “when I saw them.”

Yuchan sniffed, shortly looking at the older before he dropped his gaze to blankly stare at Donghun’s shoes.

“Thanks, hyung.”

It took a few minutes for him to calm down. Donghun was patient, rubbing his back and holding him. Yuchan hated showing his weak side to someone he barely knew, but he trusted Junhee and also, Donghun came to save him. He protected him, even called them out for their behaviour. It was selfless, he didn’t want to put the older down, but he would’ve stood no chance if they had attacked him.

His legs were shaky once he got up, Donghun let him lean on him when he led them back to the others. Three pairs of worried eyes rested on him when Donghun sat him down next to Junhee. Almost immediately, Yuchan slung his arms around his boyfriend, burring his face into his neck. He breathed in the familiar scent, letting it calm him.

Junhee, albeit a bit delayed, hugged him back, rocking them slightly from side to side as he listened to Donghun recite what happened. A gentle hand played with the short hairs at the back of his head. At this point Yuchan didn’t care anymore if anyone could see them, he just wanted to be held, feel comforted and protected.

But all to soon Junhee urged him to let go, to look at him. He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t deny something his boyfriend asked of him. So, he complied.

The unmasked worry he spotted in Junhee’s features made him almost cry again.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he rasped, throat dry.

He knew if he turned around, he would be met with similar expressions, so he didn’t. If he did, it was guaranteed that he would sob into Junhee’s shoulder the next second. Besides his brothers, he never had others care about him that deeply. He was a bit overwhelmed.

“Are they the reason you…?” Junhee asked carefully, implying that evening he went to Sehyoon’s place.

He nodded.

Their reactions were similar in nature, but everyone expressed themself in their own way. Sehyoon tried to calm down a raging Byeongkwan while at the same time he looked extremely pissed. Donghun already knew but that didn’t stop him from scowling while he took a sip from his drink.

But Junhee scared him. The older went completely silent, the hold he had on Yuchan tightening subconsciously. There was so much anger burning in his eyes, but he didn’t say anything what went through his head, jaw tightly shut, muscles of his neck straining at the force.

Yuchan tapped his knee. Usually, a small touch like that would have him jump in his seat. But not now, he barely gave it any mind, the only indication he felt that, being the flickering of his eyelids.

“Junhee. Calm down.”

Donghun’s voice didn’t made him snap out of it either. Yuchan tried too to call his name, to no avail.

Fed up with the silence he flicked the other’s forehead, gentle but still firm enough to force a reaction out of him. And that he got.

With quite a force Junhee pushed Yuchan’s arm that was still wrapped around his waist away. Yuchan, perplexed with what was going on, reached out for him. He got a hold of his sleeve but Junhee ripped himself away. Their eyes curtly met before he stormed off.

Yuchan sat in total shock, head not processing what just happened. He turned to the others; they mirrored his expression. Even Donghun, who knew Junhee almost all his life looked like he never saw his best friend act like that, eyes wide open, gaping at the empty spot next to Yuchan.

“You should go look for him,” Sehyoon was the first to break the tense silence. Next to him, Byeongkwan nodded in agreement, a worried frown on his face.

Yuchan looked at Donghun. If someone had even a grasp of an understanding of Junhee then it would be him. For a long time – or maybe it just seemed like that to Yuchan, impatience and worry swirling inside of him – Donghun blankly stared at him.

“I don’t think he wants to see any of us besides you,” he finally said, addressing Yuchan.

Unbelieving, Yuchan shook his head. If anyone could talk to him then it was Donghun.

He _pushed me away._

“He’s an idiot.”

“But…”

Donghun pinched the bridge of his nose. “Stop wasting time, _go_.”

Yuchan found Junhee in the dim alleyway behind the McDonald’s, leaning against the brick wall, an unlit blunt pressed between his lips. Shaky hands struggled with the lighter, not able to flick the friction wheel long enough for the flame to gain strength.

He didn’t seem to notice Yuchan stepping closer to him. Only when Yuchan took both of his hands in his and lowered them to his side, Junhee’s eyes flickered up to him. Unmoving, he looked at Yuchan. Too many emotions were swirling in his eyes, making it impossible for Yuchan to grasp even a slight glimpse of what was going on in the other’s head.

“Jun…”

In the blink of an eye, Junhee’s arms were around him, blunt hitting the ground.

The embrace was anything but comforting. It was desperate. Fingers clutching tightly at the material of Yuchan’s jeans jacket. If it weren’t for the strongness of it, he was positive it would’ve ripped by now. His arms were trapped at his side, Junhee’s trapping him in.

A heavy exhale hit his neck.

He bit his lip when Junhee cradled his face, looking at him intently. It was too much, the strength he was holding him with. It hurt. But he stayed quiet about it, not wanting to interrupt what Junhee was about to say.

“What do I need to sacrifice, that shit like this won’t ever happen to you again? _What_ …”

Yuchan had no answer to that. He didn’t know how to control his bad luck. The only good thing happening to him being Junhee and the group of friends they build around them. he had no idea how he managed that.

So, the only thing he did was hug the older, both of his hands resting at the back of Junhee’s head, pressing the sides of their heads together tenderly.

He felt so lost, staring at the brick wall behind Junhee, not finding any clue in the cracks to answer that question.

“…just… stay by my side,” he said after a while, tightening his hold around the older.

_You make it bearable._

He felt the nod more than he saw it, cheeks brushing against each other.

“Sorry. For storming off like that…”

They sat side by side, shoulders brushing, and hands entwined atop Yuchan’s thigh. Despite the ground not being the cleanest, Yuchan had insisted that they should sit down and talk before going back to the others.

There was more, Yuchan just knew by the waver of his voice by the end of his sentences that he hadn’t said all what was swirling through his head. And he was right. Junhee tensed next to him, taking a shaky breath.

“…and I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m… an idiot.”

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Yuchan couldn’t help to refrain himself from uttering “Donghun already said that.”

That made Junhee chuckle. He laid his head against the wall behind him, looking up at the streetlamp above them.

“Of course he did.”

The mood was a bit lighter now, but Yuchan still had something burning at the tip of his tongue. He instantly regretted his actions earlier; it was the wrong thing to do.

“I shouldn’t have flicked your forehead like that,” he mumbled, shame washing over him, painting the tips of his ears light pink.

Junhee shook his head, dismissing Yuchan’s childish act.

“I never was good with conflicts,” he admitted, turning to look at Yuchan, “always ran away from them.”

Yuchan hummed, urging the older to go on.

“My sisters… they fight a lot. They throw stuff at each other, scream insults into each other’s faces. Petty fights. It shouldn’t be serious, but they make it. It was like that since I can remember. I tried to stop them, multiple times.

They never had hurt me, just shouted at me that I should go away, that I wouldn’t understand. And I really didn’t… I just wanted them to stop. But one time – I was nine, my oldest sister pushed me into a shelve, the vase standing in it shattered to the floor… I tripped…

When I went to my mother, crying with shards stuck in my palms and knees and blood dripping from the back of my head she… slapped me. She told me how absolutely stupid it was of me to get in between them… she never helped cleaning my wounds. My father did once he got back from work…”

Yuchan was rendered speechless. That’s not what you should say or do to anyone, but especially not to a nine-year-old child. So that’s why Junhee never had invited him over to his place. It all made sense now.

“Also… they – my sisters and mother, always try to push me into their expectations, to get me adapt to their mindset…”

Yuchan had said to Junhee that he didn’t wanted pity when he had told him his story, but he had a feeling that Junhee needed a “I’m sorry for what happened to you”. So, he pulled the older into his side, mumbling reassuring words into his ear while stroking over his head.

Junhee never said it out loud, but the nimble fingers tugging at the front of his jacket, pulling him closer being indication enough.

_Thank you._

“Let’s go back to the others?” Junhee was already standing, hand outstretched for Yuchan to take.

Yuchan nodded, placing his hand in the smaller one and lets himself get pulled to his feet.


	11. Yellow

A few weeks had passed since the incident at the McDonald’s.

Yuchan slowly began to relax, to enjoy his time outside, not every second cowering into Junhee’s side at a shout or a loud noise. This time it left more a scar on him than the one before, where he got beaten up.

Junhee blamed himself, for acting so tactless, for pushing Yuchan away when the younger was shaken to the core. And while Yuchan reassured him that it wasn’t his fault, Junhee still tried to treat him a gentle as possible. It didn’t last long, Yuchan not so happily telling him to quit it and act normal with him again.

As the days got warmer, they began hanging out as five more often. Sehyoon and Byeongkwan grew on Junhee in no time.

In Byeongkwan he found someone to share his passion about music, the both of them fawning over new releases and old gems or the younger proudly talking about his self-crafted choreographies whenever they came to the topic.

And while Sehyoon often joined Yuchan in his childish antics, he proved more than once that he was a hyung to lean on, to share your concerns with without getting judged. He understood now why Yuchan was so fond of the older boy. A creative head with a calm nature, quite the contrary to Yuchan, especially the last part.

Much to Junhee’s dismay, Yuchan decided to join forces with Donghun. Both set on making his life miserable, teasing him whenever they could. Also, Yuchan more or less dropped the hyung with him, only using it when he was teasing him or trying to get his way with him.

The sad part, it worked. Every time.

He let out a sigh.

“What’s going on in your pretty little head?”

Startled at the sudden voice, Junhee looked up, turning away from his view on the river to the boy standing next to him. Yuchan’s hair was mused up thanks to the strong wind blowing over the pedestrian bridge. It didn’t seem to bother him, bright trademark smile unwavering as he joined Junhee at the railing.

Junhee shrugged.

“Nothing much.”

He would never hear the end of it if he ever admitted out loud how whipped Yuchan got him. The younger knew it already without him telling him, there was no need of fuelling his bratty behaviour towards him.

Yuchan eyed him intently before turning away, eyes taking in their surroundings. Curious, if Yuchan would figure out where they were or more what they were looking at, Junhee watched him, waiting for a reaction.

“Didn’t we…” Yuchan mumbled, scratching the back of his head in confusion.

“We met down there, didn’t we?” he suddenly gasped, pointing to a secluded, grassy spot that was barely visible, hidden behind trees and the corner of a building. A car bridge towering behind it.

Bright eyes turned towards Junhee, making him smile immediately. Junhee nodded, heart fluttering.

On one of his head clearing walks he had found the bridge they were standing on, per accident finding the only place where his favourite hanging out spot was visible.

“Remember this?” he grinned, holding up the yellow pencil the younger gave him back then, “I never got the chance of returning it.”

There was always a part of their meeting accompanying him, forgotten in the inside pocket of his leather jacket.

Yuchan blinked at the object, similar as Junhee did, not figuring out what was going on.

After a while, he took it between his fingers, inspecting every detail of it. With his nails he scratched over the scraped off paint from where Junhee used it to roll the tape of his cassette back where it belonged to.

Yuchan shook his head, placing it back into Junhee’s hand and forcing it shut with his own.

"No, keep it,” he smiled, “that way you always carry something that belongs to me. Like a piece of me."

Junhee let out a chuckle, shaking his head. Since when was Yuchan the cheesy type? That title always belonged to him, but it seemed like their roles were reversed now.

"Sap," Junhee said with an eyeroll, pushing the younger’s shoulder slightly.

At that, Yuchan laughed, pressing a chaste kiss to Junhee’s cheek but not before checking the bridge for anyone who could spot them.

“You make me.”

They fell back into silence, basking in each other’s company without feeling the need to fill it with conversation.

Junhee let his mind drift. Going back to that one time in summer where he saw that lonely boy. He couldn’t shake the feeling off that could’ve been Yuchan. Their silhouettes were similar. But it was dark, so it could’ve been literally anyone.

He voiced out what was going on in his head anyways, feeling the need to share it.

“I think I saw you before that.”

The side of his face began tingling where Yuchan’s eyes rested on him.

“What?”

“Yeah,” Junhee had to stop in his explanation, a snicker interrupting him after taking in Yuchan’s creeped out expression. The shock and confusion written clearly on his face.

“I didn’t stalk you if you are thinking that. One evening, after I was on my way home after smoking, I passed a skatepark… I saw someone sitting far away from the other guys skating there, drinking. I think that was you.”

“ _Hyung_ ,” Yuchan chuckled, “not every skating boy who is drinking is me.”

Junhee shrugged, maybe the younger was right. He let the topic drop, aware that he would ponder on it for a few days before forgetting it until it would come up again.

He was looking at the cloud flecked sky, trying to find figures in them when Yuchan spoke up, voice firm but quiet, only for Junhee to hear.

“I’ll quit drinking.”

Junhee looked at the younger, astonished. Not taken aback at the statement per se, rather at how he was wording it. Sounding so sure that he will pull through, and Junhee admired him for it.

“It’s not good for me… my health. Also, my grades… And I know now what it can make out of certain people…” Yuchan continued, explaining his decision with a frown on his face.

Junhee understood where he was coming from. The thought of quitting never quite leaving him, resting at the back of his head whenever he was smoking at the moment or not.

“Besides,” Yuchan said, with a smirk, taking away the chance for Junhee to say something, “I found something much better. More addicting that a drug ever will be.”

The mood shifted quickly. And while Junhee disliked the way Yuchan tried to downplay the seriousness of his addiction, he couldn’t help but to play along.

“And that is?”

It was fairly obvious what Yuchan meant. Or whom in that matter. But Junhee wanted to hear it out loud, irking his eyebrow in challenge.

“I’m looking at him,” Yuchan let on, in mirth glinting eyes never leaving Junhee.

A gush of wind mused up their hair, but they didn’t give it any mind, more focused on their little game.

“Be more specific?”

Yuchan, all of a sudden, grabbed the front of his shirt, tugging him close the same time he surged forward, silencing him by pressing their lips together. the action left Junhee perplexed, arms hanging unmoving at his sides.

After Yuchan pulled away, his eyes widened in shock. Nervous eyes were flicking around, searching, his body tense. But he quickly sagged in relief upon not seeing anybody.

Junhee was tired of always watching his every step, watching what he did. He knew Yuchan was too, without them ever talking about it. But until their country became more understanding towards gay people, that wouldn’t change.

They could move away when they were older, but for now, they were too young for that. Especially Yuchan. Also had he not much of an idea what the situation looked like overseas, the media not focusing on that topic.

Despite the nagging voice at the back of his head, he reached out to pull Yuchan into his arms. Hugging was fine, right? Friends did that occasionally. But only for a short period of time, letting go after a few seconds instead of lingering like they did.

Junhee had to physically force himself to step away. He was bitter, but it was too risky. Especially after what happened to Yuchan. They didn’t need a repeat of that.

Instead of cursing, he pushed down his frustration, steering his head back to the original topic.

“I wish I could say I’d stop smoking… but… it’s just… it’s not going to be easy,” he mumbled, picking at the skin next to his nails.

Yuchan, out of sheer reflex, took Junhee’s hands into his in an attempt to stop him. It was a lost cause, not every time he broke into his nervous habit the younger was around. He still appreciated the gesture. And the hand holding that followed after.

“And I’m afraid that I will fall back to my usual pattern in no time.”

To admit that, was not easy. But he felt better once he said it. They were talking about drugs here, starting was always easier than to stop, some never able to escape the never-ending spiral.

“Me too Jun, me too,” Yuchan said quietly, clutching Junhee’s hands tightly, “but I want to give it a try. Every year that passes won’t make it easier to quit.”

Junhee nodded in understanding, “I see.”

Yuchan was right. But as he said, he was scared. Scared that he couldn’t get his head out of the darkness that his mind sometimes became. He needed those high moments, the bursts of colour in his imagination. He wanted to try, no, to do it but-

“Let’s do it together?”

Yuchan was looking at him, hopeful.

After all the time knowing the younger, Junhee slowly came to understand his body language. He had his eyes set stubbornly but if you looked closer, there was an uneven pattern in his blinking. He was timider than he let on, trying it to hide it behind a bright glowing demeanour. And while it was part of his character, he used it in situations like these, masking up his fears.

He smiled softly at the younger, entwining their fingers.

“Let’s do that.”

They began walking, feeling the need to get away from the heavy atmosphere physically. Their feet subconsciously carried them down to the riverbank.

Sorrowful, Yuchan watched a kid skated past them, eyes becoming distant as he got lost in his head. Junhee watched him for a while, waiting that he would get out on his own. But minutes went by without a word from the younger.

Junhee reached out, careful to not startle Yuchan as he tapped the back of his hand. That brought him back, side eyeing Junhee with a saddened frown.

“I miss it,” he muttered, kicking a few pebbles away with the tip of his worn off shoes, “but I can’t do that anymore... not without a board.”

Over the past weeks, he never once had spoken up about it. And Junhee had never pushed him, fearing that he would rip open half healed wounds. More than once he had thought about getting a replacement or go search for the old one. But as quick as that last thought had come, he had pushed it away. It was impossible.

He had talked to Donghun about it, but he was about as clueless as him. The only idea that he brough in being their group of friends gifting him one. Junhee quickly denied, arguing that Yuchan would never want that. Donghun had laughed, throwing a “be selfish then” into his face.

And maybe he was.

“I’ll buy you a new one then,” Junhee blurted out.

The reaction came immediate, Yuchan stumbling over his own feet before he swirled around, clutching Junhee’s arm tightly between his hands.

“Hyung no!” he gasped, shaking his head in disbelief, “you have no idea how much one costs.”

But Junhee had set his mind, stubborn as he was. No puppy eyes could change his decision now.

“When’s your birthday?”

If he didn’t want to have Junhee spend money on him – besides occasionally some food, then maybe under the reasoning that it was a gift.

“In December but-“

“Hold on.”

That didn’t match up. They met in October and now it was May.

“We never celebrated your birthday?” he asked shrilly, not bothering on the fact that his loud voice attracted some people to turn their head.

But not Yuchan, he cowered underneath the curious eyes. He tried to signal him with a tug on his sleeve to continue walking. Junhee understood, taking the younger’s hand in his despite his protesting eyes.

When Junhee deemed their surrounding save enough for them to talk, he gently made Yuchan sit down on the warmed grass before joining him.

“About my birthday…” Yuchan began, looking anywhere than at Junhee, “I kinda missed the chance to tell you?”

How you could forget something like that was beyond Junhee’s imagination. He was quick on his feet, pulling the younger along.

“I can’t believe you,” Junhee began his speech, “I will get you a new skateboard right now and there will be no complaints, you hear me? And I’ll buy you a cake with candles – yellow! With yellow candles.”

Despite protesting, Yuchan lets himself get dragged along, chuckling at Junhee’s eagerness.

One hour later and they were stuffed with chocolate cake. Only one of the sixteen candles stuck on top was still burning, flickering in the gentle breeze that came from the river. They sat in Junhee’s favourite spot, hidden away enough that Yuchan could comfortably curl into his side, head resting atop Junhee’s shoulder.

They didn’t get to buy a skateboard, Junhee completely missing that on Sunday, most stores were closed. Yuchan had laughed at his shocked expression and was in fact, still snickering about it. Junhee was close on throwing the rest of the cake at the younger. But he refrained himself, not keen on wasting food.

Instead he shut the younger in a similar manner to what Yuchan did earlier, locking their lips together, tasting the chocolate frosting that lingered there. Yuchan chuckled before deepening the kiss.

With meeting Yuchan, Junhee learned a lot about himself, the world around him. That, even if you can’t change your current situation, it didn’t mean that you can’t make the most of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well… I don't really know what to say besides thank you for reading that far :)  
> …  
> I'm so bad at that stuff lol  
> aaanyways I hope you guys liked my story and I wish y'all a great day. Stay save! <3


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